Outsider

Sometimes when I want to write but don't have the time, I'll jot down notes to help me remember the point I want to make. Then my thoughts will go round and round and eventually I'll get in that mood, and write. I have to be in the right mood. I jotted these thoughts down the other month, noting things that have struck me about Anna in the past year. But I can't seem to get into that mood to pull the thoughts together and express what it is I feel in neat paragraphs. They've remained jagged for months, probably because that's how I really feel about them - jagged, not tidy. Not neat and clean. Not happy or polished. So I'm going to post them the way they came out. It's not a poem (I can't write them and I don't like to read them). They are just fractured thoughts, like crumbs, waiting for something to put them together. I don't know what it will be yet.

~~~~~~
she's my friend
how do you know she is your friend?
because i follow her.

girls at zoo splash park
she follows and mimics them
they turn their backs to her and ignore her
she runs to me and loudly and tearfully says "they are being mean to me!"

so ignore them, go make your own fun

gymnastics, instructor
she runs crying to the bleachers
can't tell me what is wrong
finally says "he was mean to me!"
how was he mean? what did he say? who?
she points, I deduce it's an instructor.
she says "he told me to get off!"
try to rationalize with her...was someone in your way? were you going to bump into someone?
was someone going to bump into you?
she cannot tell me, and is inconsolable, and won't rejoin the group
tell her...you can choose to be upset, or you can choose to have fun and play

a routine that is becoming familiar
we leave early, with tear-streaked cheeks

remembering it's not really that easy
feeling bad about telling her platitudes
not knowing what else to say.
it's hard to comfort her
i push her out of her safe zone because i must
but i want to reel her back in
keeping her safe and happy means
building her confidence when she's away from me
social wounds always hurt the most
and she is already raw