Toward Understanding ADHD

Living with ADHD my whole life, you'd think that I'd have a pretty good clue about it. But I've lived with ADHD without knowing it and have only been recently enlightened by a diagnosis. My focus for the past several years has been very much on understanding autism/Aspergers and how it pertains to Anna. So with Megan's ADHD diagnosis I've been playing catch-up. I've been reading about it, especially as it pertains to girls, and I've also been trying to understand myself in the hope that it will help me understand my daughter. If I learn how to cope, I will be able to help her learn how to cope.

So far, I am against medication for both Megan and myself. I want a better understanding of how ADHD affects us and what ways we can work with it before deciding whether we should consider medication. I also want Megan to be old enough to make that decision for herself. But to put the medication question to rest, I decided to try it on a trial basis. I wanted to see what it would do and if I could produce those results myself. I didn't know what to expect exactly - maybe the ability to hyper-focus and get lots of stuff done in a short amount of time. What is shocking is that I slowed down. My energy levels are normally very uneven, see-sawing between inertia/boredom and hyper-activity (which is usually brought on by a deadline of some sort). I can't believe that a stimulant which normally revs people up, instead evened my energy levels out to the point where I could focus on one task at a time and get it done before moving onto the next task.

That in and of itself was surprising, but what was even more disturbing was what it did to my emotional state. I'll be honest - I am emotionally sensitive and reactive. I feel things strongly and have a short fuse. I also love to stir the pot - not to be obnoxious, but to get people energized and talking and doing. What I did not know is that I have a hard time with emotional regulation. I only realized that after noticing that the medication made me more patient. I didn't feel dulled, but I did feel more even. It's actually very hard to describe. Normally when Anna decides to flip out over something, it upsets me and I react in frustration. But on the medication instead I calmly talked her through it. It's the craziest thing. It's honestly very upsetting to find this out and have to consider that the old doctor may be right - that medication might make me a "better wife and mother".

However, I did the experiment and now it's over. I understand what the medication does. And now I'm working hard to be a better wife and mother myself. Because I'm bloody-minded like that. Very much like Megan - I want to do it myself. I hear my words coming out of her mouth. I see my volatile emotions erupting from her. I look into her eyes and they are mirrors. I will do this myself for me and for her. We will do it together.

To that end I have introduced picture charts and a reward system to help regulate energy levels and introduce more independence into the daily routine. At first I was cranky about this - I thought we had left the PECS behind in Anna's ASD preschool. But I brought the pictures back and the girls have responded positively to them. We have a daily routine chart, choice charts and chore charts. The daily routine chart is regulating. The chore charts introduce independence so I am not constantly nagging the girls to complete their chores. And the choice charts label their emotions and provide opportunities to talk about what we can do to change our behaviors - what produced the choice to say, throw a tantrum? Why did we feel that way? What would be a better choice? What can we do next time when we feel this way? I have also been better about labeling my own emotions. Sometimes, I tell the girls, I feel cranky without knowing why. I'm stressed out. But I'm not mad at you. I just need to take a break for a few minutes, and then I'll feel better.

So far, this is working pretty well. I've also picked up on the fact that Megan - so sweet and quiet most of the time - has ADHD meltdowns. I don't know why it took so long to realize this. We've been so focused on helping Anna manage her ASD meltdowns that I didn't even consider that Megan was experiencing meltdowns very much like Anna. Megan's meltdowns are triggered by a transition, poor impulse control, and an inability to regulate her strong emotions. When something sets her off (and it can be something really small), her emotional reaction will escalate to volcanic proportions and her behavior deteriorates spectacularly. DH and I responded to these meltdowns with discipline - time out's, taking away privileges. But this does not help. Why? I finally realized it's because Megan needs help regulating her emotions. The out-of-control behavior is cloaking the fact that she can't deal with her emotional response. She can't get back into control by herself. It finally dawned on me that time-outs will never work for these meltdowns. What Megan needs is a hug and a good long talk and the freedom to cry as she comes back down off her emotional high. And then we can talk about choices. It took a little convincing to get DH to understand this, but I think Megan will respond much better and feel much better when we give her support for her emotions, label them and then talk with her about them. Information is power. Understanding is the platform for change.

Speaking of change, Megan has changed schools just over a month into the school year. Just a couple of weeks into first grade, my six year old began having a hard time with her homework - she could not remember what they had reviewed in the classroom (inattention, anyone?). But Megan does not act out in class and so she fell between the cracks. In fact, she tries extremely hard to hide the fact that she has a hard time. She is a perfectionist and a pleaser and this is where her anxiety kicks into gear. She burst into tears one weekend, sobbing over getting an answer wrong in front of the class and fretting about what the other kids were saying about her behind her back. That just makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. That is not normal.

The catalyst came one night when Megan was doing her homework and could not remember something and I asked her, Megan, didn't you learn this in class? The look on her face made me go cold. I looked into her eyes and I was transported back to second grade. I remembered feeling lost in class, unable to get a grip and unable to ask for help. I couldn't, when all I heard from those around me was "Erin is such a smart girl! So quiet, a pleasure to have in the classroom!" I was petrified that someone would find out how how stupid I really was. I swallowed my shame and fear and worked hard to make sure nobody found out about it. I found ways to cope, fear dogging me the whole time. I saw those same emotions in Megan's eyes. And I was done. I don't want that for Megan. I don't want her to feel that alone. I want something better for my daughter.

I suppose you could say that Megan hides her ADHD pretty well. It's not hard to do when you are sweet and quiet and smart. But the learning difference is there, and just because it's not glaringly obvious does not mean it will not significantly impact her life. She is now attending the LD school that Anna attends and just over two weeks in, I can see a big difference in her demeanor. Megan loves her new school. She is part of a small class where she gets individual attention and a customized learning plan. She is able to use hands-on learning tools which she is crazy about. She now says she loves homework, and we have fun doing it together. She has talked more about school in the past two weeks than she has in the entire past year. She feels better. I feel better. The whole family feels better. Megan is getting the support she needs, and it will keep getting better from here.