Our home is a cocoon. It is also a place where I tend to turn a lame eye, on purpose, on the fundamentals of our daily struggles. This is a protective instinct for myself as well as Anna. Sure, she's different. Sure, she's behind her peers in a lot of ways. But she's beautiful, and smart, and I love her. I know she'll be okay. It will just take a little time to get her to "Okay" - that place in the future where she is an adult, where she's happy and feels loved and feels like she is in control of her life.
The web I weave around us - around Anna the primary recipient, around Megan who catches the fallout, around DH who does not see a lot of what I see, and around myself - is intended to be a cushion for all the harshness that is outside. It's easier and more comfortable to spend our time with people who understand what it's like to raise a child with ASD - so that's what we do. Sometimes however, realizing that it won't be good to do that forever, I make us stick our noses out into "Normal-ville" - where people don't understand and probably are not inclined to try to understand where we're from and how we function.
So that's what I did tonight. Sort of. It was just me. I decided to do a little volunteering at the ice cream social at church. The girls stayed at home with DH because of course, they can't have ice cream. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, be normal, talk to people and do something useful with myself outside of the home. Several minutes into it I realized - I have nothing to say. There is no part of me that I can share with them right now that will seem politically correct or acceptable or even light-hearted. If I was honest and shared how my kids are doing and what home life is like lately, it'd be a downer. Not because I'm sad or angry, but because nobody will understand the joys or milestones of Anna's progress, and nobody will understand how hard it is on Megan to have a sister who has ASD. There is a lot that goes on in this house that is not normal, but it's not bad either - it's just different. But nobody in the outside world appreciates that. So I don't feel free to talk about it.
So there I was trying to find something safe to say, and I came up with nothing. I hate being fake and talking about nothing, so I kept quiet and watched the other children run around on the playground and enjoy their sundaes. I felt bad because the nature of my girls' food allergies kept them from attending this particular function. I felt like a dork for being there without my kids. And I felt sad listening to the children talk and play together, knowing their world is one where Anna is still a stranger. The kids were eating their ice cream. Nobody was having a melt-down. A little girl Anna's age noticed a friend running off to play on the slides and said "I'm going to see what George is doing!" and ran after him, calling his name. It's not often I feel like crying in the midst of typicals (heck, I even have one), but I almost did just then.
I try hard to face the world with my eyes wide open and deal with reality, but it's still hard not to flinch when reality comes right up to me and slaps me in the face. Anna is different. She always will be different. She thinks differently, moves differently, plays differently, talks differently, acts differently, and laughs about different things. For the past several days she has been talkative before bedtime, saying "come talk to me!". She chatters about what's on her mind, blue eyes staring off into space, and it's very interesting to listen to her. She jumps from topic to topic. Before each new topic she'll stare into nowhere and say "um, Mommy, I just..." and launch into a new thought. One moment she'll be thanking God in her prayers for the sunshine and the flowers, the next moment she'll be remembering what happened two days ago, the next moment she'll be talking about the scary space monsters she wants to invite to play the Bingo game with her. If I try to keep her on topic she'll derail and switch, going from one unrelated subject to another. Whether the topics are related in her mind I don't know. Whether she's thinking and feeling something strongly that she just needs to get off her chest, I don't know. Whether she's just enjoying chattering to someone who will listen quietly, I don't know. But it seems to me that something is misfiring. Her speech sounds broken, like the bridges in her mind that make connections have gaps in them she cannot breach. And I don't know if there is any way to fix that. Will it just take time for her to make these connections as she starts to move from having conversations with us to having conversations with her peers? Or will her thinking always be fractured? If her thinking is fractured, will her play be fractured? Will she be able to play with her typical peers if she can't communicate with them in a way they accept and understand?
I got up and left the ice cream social early without saying goodbye to anyone. I'd had my fill of "Normal-ville" after 20 minutes. There is not much more time left for Anna to be cushioned in the safety I've carved out for her. One of these days we'll have to throw her to the wolves and hope we've done enough to build a strong foundation for her to stand on so she doesn't get eaten alive. Kids are cruel. Sometimes reality really bites.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
GFCF Graham Crackers
I found this recipe at In the Life of a Child. I only changed a couple of things about it, such as decreasing the amount of sugar, using coconut milk, and cutting the dough into squares with a knife. I also used less liquid than the recipe called for, until the dough was just sticky, and then kneaded the dough a few times before rolling - this eliminated the need to chill the dough and made it easy to work with. I was surprised and very happy to find that the end result tastes exactly like graham crackers! They look like graham crackers too, if you break one open and look at the crumb you'd never really know the difference between these and say, Honey Maid. The dough is a pleasure to work with, too - very forgiving and easy to handle, a lot like my pie crust. They smell great while they are baking. These crackers were fun to make and not as time-intensive as I thought they would be. Now my girls can enjoy s'mores again!
(For chocolate graham crackers, go here.)
1/3 cup palm shortening
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
2/3 cup chickpea flour
1/3 cup sorghum flour
1 cup tapioca starch
1 cup cornstarch
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. xanthan gum
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ginger
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup rice milk or coconut milk
Cream shortening and sugar together. Add the vanilla and mix well.
Sift together the dry ingredients. Add the dry ingredients to the shortening mixture one cup at a time, blending well until all three cups have been incorporated and mixture looks like fine meal (I did this in my Kitchen Aid but you could also do this with a pastry blender or a food processor).
Add the rice milk or coconut milk a little at a time (in a small stream if using a Kitchen Aid or food processor and your hands are free). You might not need the whole 1/2 cup of liquid. Add just enough until the dough clumps together and pulls away from the sides of the bowl. It should resemble cookie dough. It should not be very sticky.
Divide dough into thirds. Working with 1/3 of the dough at a time, knead a few times on floured wax paper (I used All Purpose Sorghum Blend for flouring). Roll dough into the shape of a rectangle to a thickness of 1/8 inch. Trim the edges to straighten. Cut the dough into squares with a knife. Transfer squares to a greased cookie sheet (you can use a floured spatula, or simply put your hand underneath the wax paper and flip the square onto your other hand and transfer that way - the dough is that easy to handle).
Prick each cracker 4-6 times with the tines of a fork and sprinkle with granulated sugar (cinnamon sugar would work well too). Bake about 30 minutes at 350 degrees until lightly browned. Cool on a wire rack and store in an airtight container.
*If you overbake some crackers, don't worry - save them and use them to make a graham cracker pie crust.
**You can subsitute 1/4 cup honey for the brown sugar, just adjust the amount of milk as needed.
(For chocolate graham crackers, go here.)
1/3 cup palm shortening
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
2/3 cup chickpea flour
1/3 cup sorghum flour
1 cup tapioca starch
1 cup cornstarch
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. xanthan gum
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ginger
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup rice milk or coconut milk
Cream shortening and sugar together. Add the vanilla and mix well.
Sift together the dry ingredients. Add the dry ingredients to the shortening mixture one cup at a time, blending well until all three cups have been incorporated and mixture looks like fine meal (I did this in my Kitchen Aid but you could also do this with a pastry blender or a food processor).
Add the rice milk or coconut milk a little at a time (in a small stream if using a Kitchen Aid or food processor and your hands are free). You might not need the whole 1/2 cup of liquid. Add just enough until the dough clumps together and pulls away from the sides of the bowl. It should resemble cookie dough. It should not be very sticky.
Divide dough into thirds. Working with 1/3 of the dough at a time, knead a few times on floured wax paper (I used All Purpose Sorghum Blend for flouring). Roll dough into the shape of a rectangle to a thickness of 1/8 inch. Trim the edges to straighten. Cut the dough into squares with a knife. Transfer squares to a greased cookie sheet (you can use a floured spatula, or simply put your hand underneath the wax paper and flip the square onto your other hand and transfer that way - the dough is that easy to handle).
Prick each cracker 4-6 times with the tines of a fork and sprinkle with granulated sugar (cinnamon sugar would work well too). Bake about 30 minutes at 350 degrees until lightly browned. Cool on a wire rack and store in an airtight container.
*If you overbake some crackers, don't worry - save them and use them to make a graham cracker pie crust.
**You can subsitute 1/4 cup honey for the brown sugar, just adjust the amount of milk as needed.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The Food Piece of the Puzzle
Something weird is happening to me. I've been thinking about it for some time, but now I'm going to mention it because I think it's happening to Anna too.
Food tastes better.
Since going gluten free, my taste buds have woken up. I swear, food has never tasted this good before. Most of the recipes on my blog are old and familiar - ratty, stained 3x5 inch index cards, pieces of paper, or worn out cookbooks... stuffed into the nooks and crannies of bookshelves, binders, baskets and what-have-you. And I've just been busy converting them to be diet friendly. I can't tell you how many times I've tasted Ultimate Chocolate Brownies before. But when I made them GFCF friendly, I swear they were the best brownies I've ever eaten in my life. And then I made Carrot Cake. Cake has never before appealed to me. But this Carrot Cake was so good. Up until that point, cake has never tasted so delicious. I am actually eating and enjoying cake now. The same thing kept happening...with Banana Cake, Sandwich Bread, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Pizza, even the girls' snack foods. Even plain old rice pasta. Even Spinach Pesto (which I just made again a couple of nights ago and now it's almost gone).
I feel more alive - in a subtle, electrifying way.
Food tastes better almost across the board. My body feels better. I have more energy. My migraines come less frequently.
I know Anna feels the same way about food lately that I do. I can see it in her eyes. She's engaged with her food. She tells me she likes what she eats. She's constantly saying "yum", or "Mommy, this is good", or "Can I have more?". She's always been petite - small, slight, a little under average for weight and size. But in the past few months, she's filled out and shot up like a weed. Her legs look long and strong. She's put on weight and I can't count her ribs anymore. She's constantly talking - engaged with her world as well as with her food. She eats pesto now. I mean, she requests it. She thinks it tastes good. Her palate has expanded. Her diet is more varied and healthier now than it was 6 months ago, even without the added calcium and protein things like milk and cheese provide.
I've been reading Dangerous Grains* recently. The authors claim that gluten sensitivity runs in families, but symptoms are varied and diffuse and such that it's not obvious that gluten is the problem. I never would have guessed that the way I felt before (more or less lousy) was anything other than normal, until I cut gluten out of my diet. Now I feel so much better that I won't even consider eating a sandwich at a restaurant. What, eat that when it makes me feel so bad? No way. But, I don't have celiac disease. Or autism.
What if I passed on gluten sensitivity to Anna? I didn't even know it. There was no way to be proactive about it. And her little brain and body suffered for years because of it.
I think there are probably many factors that give birth to autism - genetics, environment, immune system dysfunction, dietary intolerances. It's different for everyone. It was clear to us even when Anna was a newborn and an infant that she was different, a little off-center. But, what if the gluten sensitivity that I passed on to Anna was her deal-breaker? She was so happy as a baby - so happy, all smiles and belly laughs that slowly disappeared the closer she got to 13, 15, 18 months old. By 20 months, she was quiet, sullen, a broken record of screaming fits and echolalia, hand-biting and tantrum-throwing. We'd gone from looking into clear blue eyes full of joy to looking at eyes frosted with pain and fear, and we couldn't see Anna anymore.
I know there is no good in laying blame in any of this. It's nobody's fault. Things happen. But nothing will change if we don't confront what makes us uncomfortable. The origins of and intolerances to these foods is an issue I feel the need to ferret out and understand so that maybe somebody else's pain will be less dramatic and less long-lived. My cousins and nephew will most likely have children someday. If ASD and gluten sensitivity run in the family, don't I owe it to them to figure it out? To warn them?
It's clear that Anna needs more than just a diet change. She's benefited and blossomed with speech therapy and occupational therapy, and she will need social skills training and accommodations probably for years to come. I'm not going to make her food intolerances a scapegoat for a larger issue. But after removing gluten and casein from Anna's diet, her eyes are clear and blue again. I do believe that her food intolerances are a big piece of her puzzle. And I want to figure out this puzzle not only for her, but for her children, for Megan's children, for my future second cousins and anyone else who needs this information in order to possibly change the course of their lives for the better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The authors of Dangerous Grains recommend also avoiding casein after confirming a gluten intolerance, and seeking further testing for other food allergies/sensitivities as apparently gluten sensitivity can be a co-morbid condition with other food intolerance issues.
Food tastes better.
Since going gluten free, my taste buds have woken up. I swear, food has never tasted this good before. Most of the recipes on my blog are old and familiar - ratty, stained 3x5 inch index cards, pieces of paper, or worn out cookbooks... stuffed into the nooks and crannies of bookshelves, binders, baskets and what-have-you. And I've just been busy converting them to be diet friendly. I can't tell you how many times I've tasted Ultimate Chocolate Brownies before. But when I made them GFCF friendly, I swear they were the best brownies I've ever eaten in my life. And then I made Carrot Cake. Cake has never before appealed to me. But this Carrot Cake was so good. Up until that point, cake has never tasted so delicious. I am actually eating and enjoying cake now. The same thing kept happening...with Banana Cake, Sandwich Bread, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Pizza, even the girls' snack foods. Even plain old rice pasta. Even Spinach Pesto (which I just made again a couple of nights ago and now it's almost gone).
I feel more alive - in a subtle, electrifying way.
Food tastes better almost across the board. My body feels better. I have more energy. My migraines come less frequently.
I know Anna feels the same way about food lately that I do. I can see it in her eyes. She's engaged with her food. She tells me she likes what she eats. She's constantly saying "yum", or "Mommy, this is good", or "Can I have more?". She's always been petite - small, slight, a little under average for weight and size. But in the past few months, she's filled out and shot up like a weed. Her legs look long and strong. She's put on weight and I can't count her ribs anymore. She's constantly talking - engaged with her world as well as with her food. She eats pesto now. I mean, she requests it. She thinks it tastes good. Her palate has expanded. Her diet is more varied and healthier now than it was 6 months ago, even without the added calcium and protein things like milk and cheese provide.
I've been reading Dangerous Grains* recently. The authors claim that gluten sensitivity runs in families, but symptoms are varied and diffuse and such that it's not obvious that gluten is the problem. I never would have guessed that the way I felt before (more or less lousy) was anything other than normal, until I cut gluten out of my diet. Now I feel so much better that I won't even consider eating a sandwich at a restaurant. What, eat that when it makes me feel so bad? No way. But, I don't have celiac disease. Or autism.
What if I passed on gluten sensitivity to Anna? I didn't even know it. There was no way to be proactive about it. And her little brain and body suffered for years because of it.
I think there are probably many factors that give birth to autism - genetics, environment, immune system dysfunction, dietary intolerances. It's different for everyone. It was clear to us even when Anna was a newborn and an infant that she was different, a little off-center. But, what if the gluten sensitivity that I passed on to Anna was her deal-breaker? She was so happy as a baby - so happy, all smiles and belly laughs that slowly disappeared the closer she got to 13, 15, 18 months old. By 20 months, she was quiet, sullen, a broken record of screaming fits and echolalia, hand-biting and tantrum-throwing. We'd gone from looking into clear blue eyes full of joy to looking at eyes frosted with pain and fear, and we couldn't see Anna anymore.
I know there is no good in laying blame in any of this. It's nobody's fault. Things happen. But nothing will change if we don't confront what makes us uncomfortable. The origins of and intolerances to these foods is an issue I feel the need to ferret out and understand so that maybe somebody else's pain will be less dramatic and less long-lived. My cousins and nephew will most likely have children someday. If ASD and gluten sensitivity run in the family, don't I owe it to them to figure it out? To warn them?
It's clear that Anna needs more than just a diet change. She's benefited and blossomed with speech therapy and occupational therapy, and she will need social skills training and accommodations probably for years to come. I'm not going to make her food intolerances a scapegoat for a larger issue. But after removing gluten and casein from Anna's diet, her eyes are clear and blue again. I do believe that her food intolerances are a big piece of her puzzle. And I want to figure out this puzzle not only for her, but for her children, for Megan's children, for my future second cousins and anyone else who needs this information in order to possibly change the course of their lives for the better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The authors of Dangerous Grains recommend also avoiding casein after confirming a gluten intolerance, and seeking further testing for other food allergies/sensitivities as apparently gluten sensitivity can be a co-morbid condition with other food intolerance issues.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Pie Crust, One Last Time!
I had to try one last variation on my pie crust recipe. I really liked the pie crust made with Sorghum Chickpea Blend, because I really like the flavor and texture the chickpea flour adds to the crust. But mindful of others who don't care for that subtle flavor or for those who are allergic to legumes (this one is for you, Samuel!), I decided to make a plain sorghum flour blend without chickpea flour (All Purpose Sorghum Blend, which is also good in pancakes, by the way!) This final pie crust experiment turned out pretty good too, although by itself a bit bland because there's no butter in it. I'm thinking of (while slightly cringing) using bacon fat in the recipe next time for the flavor it will add to the crust. However, pie filling helps mask this slight blandness and it does turn out to be a serviceable crust. It holds up well and is easy to work with. The pie pastry tore more easily than the one made with chickpea flour, but it was easy to mend. All in all, this was a success and turns out to be my second favorite flour blend for pie crust.
Update 11/21/08
My newest, very favorite flour blend for pie crust is High Protein Flour Blend. I know I've ranted about rice flour being gritty in a pie crust, but not this time. Not only is this pastry dough easy to work with, it tastes fabulous and not in the least bit gritty at all. It's flaky! It's unbelievable how good this gluten free pie crust is, and how flaky it is...I'm impressed.
From top to bottom: pie pastry on floured wax paper, pie pastry rolled out, pie pastry flipped into pie plate and wax paper being peeled off, pie crust fluted and ready for action, and pie crust partially baked.
Update 11/21/08
My newest, very favorite flour blend for pie crust is High Protein Flour Blend. I know I've ranted about rice flour being gritty in a pie crust, but not this time. Not only is this pastry dough easy to work with, it tastes fabulous and not in the least bit gritty at all. It's flaky! It's unbelievable how good this gluten free pie crust is, and how flaky it is...I'm impressed.
From top to bottom: pie pastry on floured wax paper, pie pastry rolled out, pie pastry flipped into pie plate and wax paper being peeled off, pie crust fluted and ready for action, and pie crust partially baked.Sorghum Pancakes with Fresh Fruit Sauce
Ground flaxseed gives these pancakes a really nice flavor and texture. I served them with a fresh peach sauce which complimented them well. Anna really enjoyed these for lunch today and scarfed them up quickly...and to be honest, so did I. They are really good.1 cup All Purpose Sorghum Blend
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. xanthan gum
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. cloves
2 tbsp. ground flaxseed
1 beaten egg
1 cup rice milk
2 tbsp. canola oil
*Additions to consider: 1/4 cup nut meal, 1/2 cup diced fruit (apples, bananas, etc.) or 1/2 cup fresh berries
Sift together the dry ingredients. Whisk together the wet ingredients and add all at once to the dry ingredients. Stir until mixture is just moistened and big lumps disappear (there should be little lumps in the batter, that is okay).
Pour batter by 1/3 cupfuls onto hot greased griddle. Flip when edges look dry and little bubbles form on top of the batter. Cook a minute or two longer until cooked through and remove to a plate. Serve quickly and hot with warm Fresh Fruit Sauce. (Or, serve with chopped fruit and powdered sugar sprinkled over the top.)
Fresh Fruit Sauce
2 cups chopped fresh fruit (such as blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, peaches, nectarines, etc. )
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup orange juice
1 tbsp. cornstarch
2 tbsp. sugar
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
Combine peaches, water and juice in a small pot over medium heat. Whisk together the remaining ingredients and stir into the hot fruit mixture. Cook until thickened and bubbly. Adjust sugar to taste and add more orange juice if mixture becomes too thick.
All Purpose Sorghum Blend
I use this blend for almost everything. I like it better than the All Purpose Rice Blend.
4 cups sorghum flour
1 1/3 cups potato starch flour
2/3 cup tapioca starch flour
Sift all ingredients together until well blended. Store in the refrigerator or freezer.
4 cups sorghum flour
1 1/3 cups potato starch flour
2/3 cup tapioca starch flour
Sift all ingredients together until well blended. Store in the refrigerator or freezer.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
My Favorite Pie Crust Recipe
I got this recipe from a friend, it was her grandmother's. It is the only pie crust recipe I have made for nearly two decades. Thankfully, it is just as fabulous as I remember, even without the gluten and the casein!2 1/2 cups GF Flour Blend
1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 cup palm shortening
1 egg, beaten, with cold water added to make 3/4 cup liquid
Whisk together the dry ingredients. Cut in shortening until mixture resembles small crumbs. Add egg mixture all at once to crumb mixture. Stir with fork until large clumps form and dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl. (If the mixture is too wet, add more flour blend a tablespoon at a time until the right consistency is reached.) Divide dough in half. Save one half for later by wrapping in plastic and storing in the refrigerator or freezer.
If using High Protein Blend for your pie crust, turn half the dough onto a rice floured surface and knead a few times so that it feels very much like "regular" pie crust dough. Proceed with the recipe as follows.
Turn half the dough out onto a sorghum or rice floured piece of waxed paper. Sprinkle sorghum or rice flour on top of the dough and roll into a circle just a bit larger than your pie plate. Center your pie plate on the dough. Carefully run your hand underneath the wax paper and quickly flip the pie plate over so the crust sags into the pie plate. Press the dough gently into the pie plate and carefully remove the waxed paper. Repair any tears in the dough by pressing the edges of the tears together with your finger. Trim the edges of the dough.
(For pictures of this process, see here.)
For a single crust, fold (or roll) edges underneath to make a double thickness of dough along the edges of the pie plate. Flute or crimp edges as desired (with the tines of a fork, or thumb and finger style).
To pre-bake your crust, generously prick the pastry with a fork to allow steam to escape. Bake at 425 degrees for about 20 minutes or until golden. Cool on a wire rack.
For a double crust, roll the top crust the same way as the bottom crust. Carefully slide your hand underneath the wax paper, and quickly flip the crust on top of the filling in the pie plate, doing your best to center the crust on top of the pie. Trim the edges, and either crimp with a fork to seal, or roll the edges underneath and flute with thumb and finger. Bake as directed in your pie recipe.
*This pie crust recipe leaves enough pastry left over for a tart. Roll your dough scraps to be a bit larger than a 9 or 10 inch tart pan. Flip the dough into the tart pan. Trim the edges to overhang slightly, then fold in to make a double thickness of dough along the sides of the tart pan. Freeze for later use.
Double Chocolate Pie
Here I've modified a recipe from Cooking Light. It's supposed to be topped with whipped cream or Cool Whip, but I have yet to find a casein and soy free alternative. So instead, I topped the pie with sliced strawberries, and it came out really pretty. In fact I like this topping a lot better than whipped cream! Strawberries and chocolate are a divine combination.
1 prebaked GFCF pie shell
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4 cup cornstarch
1/8 tsp. salt
2 cups dairy alternative (I used 1 can lite coconut milk plus rice milk to equal 2 cups)
1 large beaten egg
2 ounces bittersweet chocolate chips
1 tsp. vanilla
1 pound fresh ripe strawberries, thinly sliced OR 2 pints fresh raspberries, washed and gently dried
powdered sugar to serve, optional
Combine the sugar through the salt in a medium saucepan. Add the milk and stir well over medium heat with a whisk. Cook, stirring constantly, for 1 minute or until the mixture comes to a full boil. Gradually add 1/3 cup of hot milk mixture to the beaten egg, stirring well to prevent the egg from cooking. Return egg mixture to the pot. Cook 2 minutes or until the mixture thickens, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add the chocolate chips and stir until melted and mixture is smooth. Stir in vanilla. Spoon into baked pie crust. Cover surface of filling with plastic wrap. Chill until set, about 2 hours. Remove plastic wrap and arrange chosen fruit on top. Sprinkle with powdered sugar before serving if desired.
In Praise of being Gluten and Casein Free
I am officially a gluten and casein free food junkie.
It's funny how life works. Before putting Anna on the GFCF diet, I was totally against it, mostly because I didn't want to hamstring her with a special diet when I was not convinced she needed one. How many ways can I say...duh? But then I was made to see the light. I put Anna on the diet and the rest of the house too. I took the bull by the horns and stared it down. I tore the kitchen apart, getting rid of offensive food items and replacing them with new and strange stuff...sorghum flour, millet flour, Orgran Outback Animals. I was angry and apprehensive and determined to take control of my kitchen. I thought the transition would be difficult. But I found out that baking GFCF is really not that hard. It's certainly less expensive than buying prepared GFCF goods. It's even a little exciting - every item that comes out of my kitchen that my family likes is a conquest. But more than that, the diet is liberating. Far from being hamstrung, Anna is soaring to new heights. Don't get me wrong, she still has her struggles. But the diet has improved her life so much that I am committed to keeping her GFCF for the long-term.
And it's not just Anna who is doing so good (although her progress is more easily marked). Megan no longer tells me her tummy hurts and she no longer has GI problems. I thought this was strictly due to being dairy-free, but after a few months of also being gluten free, I took her out for some "real" toast. She scarfed it up like she was in heaven, but later that day and for the rest of the day, she whined that her tummy hurt. So although she does not have a confirmed gluten intolerance, I'm keeping her gluten free as well. And with all the different flours I've been using in my gluten free baking, I really feel like my kids eat better and are healthier than when I used wheat flours for baking. Lastly, I feel better too for being gluten free. It's only DH who says he does not notice a difference in his overall health (although he has lost some weight).
I see how my family is thriving on the GFCF diet. I realize how much fun I'm having in the kitchen. I don't know what I was so worked up about! We should have done this a long time ago. And I encourage everyone who is thinking about taking the plunge and doing your own GFCF baking - it really is not that hard. Anyone can do it. It takes a small bit of time to become comfortable and confident using flour and dairy substitutes, but after getting a feel for how the different flours work and which dairy subs might work best in a particular dish, GFCF baking becomes empowering and fun. I feel positively subversive in the kitchen, and it's great.
It's funny how life works. Before putting Anna on the GFCF diet, I was totally against it, mostly because I didn't want to hamstring her with a special diet when I was not convinced she needed one. How many ways can I say...duh? But then I was made to see the light. I put Anna on the diet and the rest of the house too. I took the bull by the horns and stared it down. I tore the kitchen apart, getting rid of offensive food items and replacing them with new and strange stuff...sorghum flour, millet flour, Orgran Outback Animals. I was angry and apprehensive and determined to take control of my kitchen. I thought the transition would be difficult. But I found out that baking GFCF is really not that hard. It's certainly less expensive than buying prepared GFCF goods. It's even a little exciting - every item that comes out of my kitchen that my family likes is a conquest. But more than that, the diet is liberating. Far from being hamstrung, Anna is soaring to new heights. Don't get me wrong, she still has her struggles. But the diet has improved her life so much that I am committed to keeping her GFCF for the long-term.
And it's not just Anna who is doing so good (although her progress is more easily marked). Megan no longer tells me her tummy hurts and she no longer has GI problems. I thought this was strictly due to being dairy-free, but after a few months of also being gluten free, I took her out for some "real" toast. She scarfed it up like she was in heaven, but later that day and for the rest of the day, she whined that her tummy hurt. So although she does not have a confirmed gluten intolerance, I'm keeping her gluten free as well. And with all the different flours I've been using in my gluten free baking, I really feel like my kids eat better and are healthier than when I used wheat flours for baking. Lastly, I feel better too for being gluten free. It's only DH who says he does not notice a difference in his overall health (although he has lost some weight).
I see how my family is thriving on the GFCF diet. I realize how much fun I'm having in the kitchen. I don't know what I was so worked up about! We should have done this a long time ago. And I encourage everyone who is thinking about taking the plunge and doing your own GFCF baking - it really is not that hard. Anyone can do it. It takes a small bit of time to become comfortable and confident using flour and dairy substitutes, but after getting a feel for how the different flours work and which dairy subs might work best in a particular dish, GFCF baking becomes empowering and fun. I feel positively subversive in the kitchen, and it's great.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Multi-Grain Sandwich Bread
Here I've modified a recipe Land O Lakes has for gluten free multi-grain bread. I modified their recipe for a multi-grain flour blend too, in order to use the flours I had on hand in my kitchen. I am very pleased with the results. The ground flaxseed in the bread (which adds protein, fiber, lignans and omega-3 fatty acids) gives the bread a hearty texture without making it heavy. It also gives the baked bread a texture very similar to whole grain wheat bread. This bread turned out very pretty - it rose nicely, it has a nice color, the crumb is not too dense or too moist, and it didn't cave in anywhere. It tastes good, too!
2 1/2 cups Multi-Grain Flour Blend
1/4 cup ground flaxseed
2 tsp. xanthan gum
1 tsp. salt
1 3/4 tsp. quick rise yeast
2 large eggs
2 tbsp. honey
1 tsp. cider or rice vinegar
1/4 cup canola oil
1 cup warm rice milk or other dairy alternative, plus 1 tbsp. water
Sift together the flour blend, ground flaxseed, xanthan gum and salt, set aside.
Whisk together the rice milk, water, eggs, canola oil, honey and vinegar.
*For the bread machine, add the wet ingredients to the bottom of the pan. Add dry ingredients, covering the wet ingredients completely. Make a small well in the center and add the yeast. Set the bread machine to the gluten free setting and press start. I always help the bread mix with a spatula. After the bread has finished baking, remove immediately from the pan to a wire rack.
**To bake in the oven, mix the yeast in with the dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients slowly while mixing and beat until blended. Scrape batter into a greased non-stick loaf pan. Cover with plastic wrap, let rise 35-45 minutes or until it rises about 1/2" below the top of the pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Cover with tin foil if needed and bake another 15-20 minutes. The bread is done when a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Turn bread out of loaf pan and cool completely on a wire rack.
2 1/2 cups Multi-Grain Flour Blend
1/4 cup ground flaxseed
2 tsp. xanthan gum
1 tsp. salt
1 3/4 tsp. quick rise yeast
2 large eggs
2 tbsp. honey
1 tsp. cider or rice vinegar
1/4 cup canola oil
1 cup warm rice milk or other dairy alternative, plus 1 tbsp. water
Sift together the flour blend, ground flaxseed, xanthan gum and salt, set aside.
Whisk together the rice milk, water, eggs, canola oil, honey and vinegar.
*For the bread machine, add the wet ingredients to the bottom of the pan. Add dry ingredients, covering the wet ingredients completely. Make a small well in the center and add the yeast. Set the bread machine to the gluten free setting and press start. I always help the bread mix with a spatula. After the bread has finished baking, remove immediately from the pan to a wire rack.
**To bake in the oven, mix the yeast in with the dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients slowly while mixing and beat until blended. Scrape batter into a greased non-stick loaf pan. Cover with plastic wrap, let rise 35-45 minutes or until it rises about 1/2" below the top of the pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Cover with tin foil if needed and bake another 15-20 minutes. The bread is done when a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Turn bread out of loaf pan and cool completely on a wire rack.
Multi-Grain Flour Blend
I like this blend for sandwich bread, sandwich rolls and wraps.
1 cup brown rice flour
1 cup garbanzo bean flour
1 cup sorghum flour
1 cup arrowroot starch
1 cup potato starch
1 cup tapioca starch
1/2 cup amaranth flour or quinoa flour
1/2 cup teff flour or millet flour
Sift all ingredients together and store in the refrigerator or freezer. If you don't have arrowroot on hand, substitute 1/2 cup potato starch and 1/2 cup tapioca starch instead.
1 cup brown rice flour
1 cup garbanzo bean flour
1 cup sorghum flour
1 cup arrowroot starch
1 cup potato starch
1 cup tapioca starch
1/2 cup amaranth flour or quinoa flour
1/2 cup teff flour or millet flour
Sift all ingredients together and store in the refrigerator or freezer. If you don't have arrowroot on hand, substitute 1/2 cup potato starch and 1/2 cup tapioca starch instead.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Shiners!
It's funny how little time it takes for something new to become the "norm". Every step Anna takes forward is met with smiles and relief, but then the focus goes to what's next - what steps do we take to ensure continued progress?
Before we got confirmation of Anna's food sensitivities, she sported shiners under her eyes. We were so used to the way they looked we (almost) didn't think twice about them, until they started getting darker as she got older. People told me the shiners were due to allergies. In January we implemented a wheat free, gluten free, casein free, soy free and peanut free diet in response to her high IgG antibodies to those foods. In a few weeks, the shiners were gone, her eye contact was better, her speech had improved, her sensory issues had moderated, and we embraced the new normal. I even forgot all about the shiners, until this morning.
The minute I turned on the light this morning to say hello to the girls, Anna's face shocked me. She had deep, dark purple circles under her eyes. It looked like she had been punched. Immediately I thought she was tired and didn't sleep well last night, but she assured me she had slept and she didn't act tired. She wasn't cranky, wasn't acting out, wasn't teasing her sister or doing any of the things she normally does when she's overtired, nor did she do any of those things all day. And over the course of the day, the shiners lessened in severity even though she did not take a nap. I was trying to figure out the reason for this and then I realized that four days ago, I let her have a little bit of soy sauce on some rice noodles (I keep soy sauce in the house for DH and forgot it also has wheat in it). And then I remembered that an IgG reaction is a delayed reaction that may not show up for several days. I had given her soy sauce thinking that a little bit probably would not hurt her...let's see what happens if she had some. I have my answer now. It's unbelievable to me that just a little bit of soy sauce would prompt those shiners. I have not done anything else differently and there is no other culprit. I don't know whether the reaction is from the wheat or the soy, or both.
Now I'm even more committed to Anna's diet. No more what-if's, second guesses, or taking chances. If a teaspoon of wheat or soy can make my daughter look like she needs to put a steak on her eyes, I can hardly fathom what years of wheat ingestion did to her gut and her brain. Whatever the time commitment, whatever the cost, whatever restrictions we have on going to parties or going out to eat - it's all worth it. I had been thinking about introducing a little bit of soy or peanut butter back into her diet, but not anymore. Clearly something significant is going on in her body and I don't feel like messing with it. I like our new normal too much to put it in jeopardy.
Before we got confirmation of Anna's food sensitivities, she sported shiners under her eyes. We were so used to the way they looked we (almost) didn't think twice about them, until they started getting darker as she got older. People told me the shiners were due to allergies. In January we implemented a wheat free, gluten free, casein free, soy free and peanut free diet in response to her high IgG antibodies to those foods. In a few weeks, the shiners were gone, her eye contact was better, her speech had improved, her sensory issues had moderated, and we embraced the new normal. I even forgot all about the shiners, until this morning.
The minute I turned on the light this morning to say hello to the girls, Anna's face shocked me. She had deep, dark purple circles under her eyes. It looked like she had been punched. Immediately I thought she was tired and didn't sleep well last night, but she assured me she had slept and she didn't act tired. She wasn't cranky, wasn't acting out, wasn't teasing her sister or doing any of the things she normally does when she's overtired, nor did she do any of those things all day. And over the course of the day, the shiners lessened in severity even though she did not take a nap. I was trying to figure out the reason for this and then I realized that four days ago, I let her have a little bit of soy sauce on some rice noodles (I keep soy sauce in the house for DH and forgot it also has wheat in it). And then I remembered that an IgG reaction is a delayed reaction that may not show up for several days. I had given her soy sauce thinking that a little bit probably would not hurt her...let's see what happens if she had some. I have my answer now. It's unbelievable to me that just a little bit of soy sauce would prompt those shiners. I have not done anything else differently and there is no other culprit. I don't know whether the reaction is from the wheat or the soy, or both.
Now I'm even more committed to Anna's diet. No more what-if's, second guesses, or taking chances. If a teaspoon of wheat or soy can make my daughter look like she needs to put a steak on her eyes, I can hardly fathom what years of wheat ingestion did to her gut and her brain. Whatever the time commitment, whatever the cost, whatever restrictions we have on going to parties or going out to eat - it's all worth it. I had been thinking about introducing a little bit of soy or peanut butter back into her diet, but not anymore. Clearly something significant is going on in her body and I don't feel like messing with it. I like our new normal too much to put it in jeopardy.
Swiss Chard Pesto
This version of pesto is really yummy and very good for you. High in vitamins K, A and C, Swiss Chard also is full of magnesium, potassium, iron and copper. This pesto is good served as a dip for chips and vegetables, but it's also good in soup, in sandwich bread as a sneaky food, with chicken or fish, on pasta, on pizza, with vegetables, on a wrap, tossed with rice or on top of a baked potato.
1/4 cup olive oil, divided
3 cloves garlic
16 ounces Swiss Chard, washed and dried and stems removed
1/4 cup pine nuts or walnuts
2 tsp. dried basil
3/4 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. lemon juice
Heat 2 tbsp. olive oil in dutch oven. Add Swiss Chard and cook over medium-low heat about 5 minutes, or until wilted.
Chop garlic in a food processor. Add the chard, nuts, basil, salt remaining 2 tbsp. olive oil and lemon juice. Process until mixture looks like pesto.
1/4 cup olive oil, divided
3 cloves garlic
16 ounces Swiss Chard, washed and dried and stems removed
1/4 cup pine nuts or walnuts
2 tsp. dried basil
3/4 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. lemon juice
Heat 2 tbsp. olive oil in dutch oven. Add Swiss Chard and cook over medium-low heat about 5 minutes, or until wilted.
Chop garlic in a food processor. Add the chard, nuts, basil, salt remaining 2 tbsp. olive oil and lemon juice. Process until mixture looks like pesto.
Gab, Gab, Gab!
I'm so excited. Anna's been gabbing all day today, meaningfully. She's been talking a lot more since being on "the diet", but lately instead of straying randomly off topic, she's been holding relevant monologues. She also answers questions on the phone correctly, and then extends her answer to include bits about her day that may be interesting to her listener. This morning we took a trip in the car and the girls were scribbling on their travel doodle pads. Anna looked at what Megan was drawing and said:
"Megan, good job drawing a spaceship!" (Whether it was an actual spaceship I rather doubt, but Megan seemed pleased by the praise.) "I like your spaceship, Megan. Give me a high five!" It is so nice to hear her talk to Megan like this, like big sisters should. I love it when she steps outside of herself for a moment and makes contact with someone else in their world, inviting even if just for a moment, a shared world. Social skills training rocks.
Our first stop this morning was to her new kindergarten, to make our first payment for the school year. We met with the business manager, who asked the girls how old they are. Megan was cranky and didn't answer, but Anna answered the question in a small voice as she scoped the room out: (pause) - "I'm still 4 years old! I'm not 5 yet." (She's very excited about turning 5 in July.) Then the business manager asked her if she is excited about going to a new school and Anna answered back: (pause) - "yes!". She did not make eye contact during this exchange because she was distracted by the new surroundings, but she was listening and answering questions!
Later that morning Anna got a chance to talk to DH on the phone. I had just finished telling him that she was so well behaved in a store we had been in a short time before. She took the phone and started talking:
"Daddy, I behaved in the store, Daddy. I got a piece of gum. I sat quietly and played with my cat, Daddy". Note the use of "Daddy"! She was addressing him like she'd been taught to address another person when she wants their attention. This is the first time I've heard her do this on the phone! She went on, answering his questions with "yes", "I'm just fine", "uh-huh", "that's right" and telling him about what we did that morning, what she was eating for lunch, the fact that Megan had soup all over her face, and how she was enjoying her grapes. I let her talk and talk for several minutes, knowing he would enjoy hearing her chatter about her day.
Sometimes it takes awhile for lessons to sink in, find roots, and grow new leaves, reaching outward and up to the sky. For a long time Anna's speech therapist(s) prompted and reminded her to address someone by name and look at them to initiate joint attention. She's been doing exactly that a lot more lately - in person and even now on the phone, like she just needed time to plant the seed and let it grow. I think Anna hears and absorbs everything. It just takes a little patience to wait until she's ready to blossom, in her own time.
"Megan, good job drawing a spaceship!" (Whether it was an actual spaceship I rather doubt, but Megan seemed pleased by the praise.) "I like your spaceship, Megan. Give me a high five!" It is so nice to hear her talk to Megan like this, like big sisters should. I love it when she steps outside of herself for a moment and makes contact with someone else in their world, inviting even if just for a moment, a shared world. Social skills training rocks.
Our first stop this morning was to her new kindergarten, to make our first payment for the school year. We met with the business manager, who asked the girls how old they are. Megan was cranky and didn't answer, but Anna answered the question in a small voice as she scoped the room out: (pause) - "I'm still 4 years old! I'm not 5 yet." (She's very excited about turning 5 in July.) Then the business manager asked her if she is excited about going to a new school and Anna answered back: (pause) - "yes!". She did not make eye contact during this exchange because she was distracted by the new surroundings, but she was listening and answering questions!
Later that morning Anna got a chance to talk to DH on the phone. I had just finished telling him that she was so well behaved in a store we had been in a short time before. She took the phone and started talking:
"Daddy, I behaved in the store, Daddy. I got a piece of gum. I sat quietly and played with my cat, Daddy". Note the use of "Daddy"! She was addressing him like she'd been taught to address another person when she wants their attention. This is the first time I've heard her do this on the phone! She went on, answering his questions with "yes", "I'm just fine", "uh-huh", "that's right" and telling him about what we did that morning, what she was eating for lunch, the fact that Megan had soup all over her face, and how she was enjoying her grapes. I let her talk and talk for several minutes, knowing he would enjoy hearing her chatter about her day.
Sometimes it takes awhile for lessons to sink in, find roots, and grow new leaves, reaching outward and up to the sky. For a long time Anna's speech therapist(s) prompted and reminded her to address someone by name and look at them to initiate joint attention. She's been doing exactly that a lot more lately - in person and even now on the phone, like she just needed time to plant the seed and let it grow. I think Anna hears and absorbs everything. It just takes a little patience to wait until she's ready to blossom, in her own time.
Monday, May 12, 2008
My Banshee and Mr. Spock
Anna has had a hard time adjusting from the preschool routine to the home routine. Preschool has been over for two weeks, summer camp does not start for another 3 weeks, and there is still a whole summer to go through before Anna settles into a new kindergarten routine. Hence, there has been a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth in the house. This change in routine has left Anna prone to screaming in anger and frustration at the drop of a hat, which raises my hackles in a fairly major way. I cannot stand the screaming. DH, however, says it does not bother him. Maybe, he said, it's the difference between our parenting styles. I get after Anna for screaming but he lets her scream, thinking she'll work it out of her system in due time.
Yesterday afternoon Anna was having a particularly hard time and was flipping out over small things, like wanting something Megan had. DH sent her to her room for a break, where she continued screaming and hollering. I was trying to cook dinner and just could not listen to it anymore. I threw down my kitchen towel and stomped past DH, these words tumbling out of my mouth: "I will not listen to this screaming. She will not regress this summer!".
In that one moment, the reason for my intolerance to the screaming crystallized. The constant screaming in anger and flipping out over every small thing was what Anna did day after day before we started intervention. She's come so far in a year. She's able to talk to us meaningfully, make eye contact, and tell us how she feels when given enough time and space to do so. Her inclination is to react in anger or frustration to most negative stimuli, but she has gotten better at recognizing that she can take a break and when she should do so, or at least be agreeable when we suggest she take a break to calm down. She has done less screaming in the past few months, and more talking. But the recent change in routine has unnerved her enough to bring back her cycle of trigger-happy screaming. And if we allow her to continue to fail to get a grip, she will be in no state to listen to reason come kindergarten, and we'll be hearing about how she has behavioral problems. If we let Anna flip out and scream at will, she will get too worked up to calm down by herself, she'll continue screaming until we intervene. That will be regression. That cannot happen. Regression is not an option. We've worked too hard to enable her to take control of her emotions and reactions to those emotions to let her slip during this summer of transition.
So I went to talk to Anna and laid it on the line for her, in black and white. Screaming is not a choice, I told her. She is a big girl now, and big girls do not scream like babies. If she screams like this, no one will want to be her friend in kindergarten. She can take a break and calm down before rejoining the family in the living room, but there will be no screaming while she's taking a break. Anna looked at me and I got the feeling she understood. She stopped screaming, grabbed a book and opened it up to look at it calmly while taking her break, instead of jumping on the bed and shrieking like she had done moments before.
I feel really bad about being so blunt with Anna but I don't know what else to do. She seems to need the black and white. It's like she needs structured time and events outside of herself, and a structure of logic and clear boundaries inside of herself, in order to function at her best. If I try to be nicety-nice and give her an inch, she'll stretch it out for miles. So instead I draw clear lines in the sand for her. And I really hate having to do that.
Later that evening I was talking to DH about all of this. He said he can empathize with Anna's preference for order and predictability and her need for the structure and logic that guides her interactions with others. He tells me not to feel bad about laying down the law with Anna, that setting clear boundaries is probably the most helpful thing we can do for her. When I talk with DH like this, he lays out his argument so rationally and logically, while I'm more prone to reacting emotionally - he always reminds me of Mr. Spock. I'd call Anna Miss Spock, since she and he seem so alike, but her reactions seem fueled by a reservoir of strong emotion and she ends up reminding me more of a banshee instead. My Banshee and Mr. Spock - sometimes I feel as if I've ended up on the set of a weird combination of the Twilight Zone and Star Trek - only it's my family, and it's real.
Yesterday afternoon Anna was having a particularly hard time and was flipping out over small things, like wanting something Megan had. DH sent her to her room for a break, where she continued screaming and hollering. I was trying to cook dinner and just could not listen to it anymore. I threw down my kitchen towel and stomped past DH, these words tumbling out of my mouth: "I will not listen to this screaming. She will not regress this summer!".
In that one moment, the reason for my intolerance to the screaming crystallized. The constant screaming in anger and flipping out over every small thing was what Anna did day after day before we started intervention. She's come so far in a year. She's able to talk to us meaningfully, make eye contact, and tell us how she feels when given enough time and space to do so. Her inclination is to react in anger or frustration to most negative stimuli, but she has gotten better at recognizing that she can take a break and when she should do so, or at least be agreeable when we suggest she take a break to calm down. She has done less screaming in the past few months, and more talking. But the recent change in routine has unnerved her enough to bring back her cycle of trigger-happy screaming. And if we allow her to continue to fail to get a grip, she will be in no state to listen to reason come kindergarten, and we'll be hearing about how she has behavioral problems. If we let Anna flip out and scream at will, she will get too worked up to calm down by herself, she'll continue screaming until we intervene. That will be regression. That cannot happen. Regression is not an option. We've worked too hard to enable her to take control of her emotions and reactions to those emotions to let her slip during this summer of transition.
So I went to talk to Anna and laid it on the line for her, in black and white. Screaming is not a choice, I told her. She is a big girl now, and big girls do not scream like babies. If she screams like this, no one will want to be her friend in kindergarten. She can take a break and calm down before rejoining the family in the living room, but there will be no screaming while she's taking a break. Anna looked at me and I got the feeling she understood. She stopped screaming, grabbed a book and opened it up to look at it calmly while taking her break, instead of jumping on the bed and shrieking like she had done moments before.
I feel really bad about being so blunt with Anna but I don't know what else to do. She seems to need the black and white. It's like she needs structured time and events outside of herself, and a structure of logic and clear boundaries inside of herself, in order to function at her best. If I try to be nicety-nice and give her an inch, she'll stretch it out for miles. So instead I draw clear lines in the sand for her. And I really hate having to do that.
Later that evening I was talking to DH about all of this. He said he can empathize with Anna's preference for order and predictability and her need for the structure and logic that guides her interactions with others. He tells me not to feel bad about laying down the law with Anna, that setting clear boundaries is probably the most helpful thing we can do for her. When I talk with DH like this, he lays out his argument so rationally and logically, while I'm more prone to reacting emotionally - he always reminds me of Mr. Spock. I'd call Anna Miss Spock, since she and he seem so alike, but her reactions seem fueled by a reservoir of strong emotion and she ends up reminding me more of a banshee instead. My Banshee and Mr. Spock - sometimes I feel as if I've ended up on the set of a weird combination of the Twilight Zone and Star Trek - only it's my family, and it's real.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
GFCF Egg-Free Chocolate Pudding
This (modified) Penzey's recipe for homemade pudding is super easy to make!*
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup natural cocoa powder
2 tbsp. cornstarch or arrowroot starch
1/4 tsp. salt
2 cups non-dairy milk alternative (I like using 1 can of lite coconut milk plus enough rice milk to equal 2 cups of liquid)
1 tsp. vanilla extract
In a heavy bottomed saucepan, combine all of the dry ingredients. Over medium heat, gradually add the milk, stirring constantly. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Leave at a full boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes or until thickened. Remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla. Pour into a serving bowl. Chill, uncovered, until serving time - at least 2 hours. The pudding will thicken a bit more as it cools.
*Looking for vanilla pudding? Go here.
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup natural cocoa powder
2 tbsp. cornstarch or arrowroot starch
1/4 tsp. salt
2 cups non-dairy milk alternative (I like using 1 can of lite coconut milk plus enough rice milk to equal 2 cups of liquid)
1 tsp. vanilla extract
In a heavy bottomed saucepan, combine all of the dry ingredients. Over medium heat, gradually add the milk, stirring constantly. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Leave at a full boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes or until thickened. Remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla. Pour into a serving bowl. Chill, uncovered, until serving time - at least 2 hours. The pudding will thicken a bit more as it cools.
*Looking for vanilla pudding? Go here.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Birthday Party Bust
This past weekend I took the girls to their first typical birthday party. Well, it was Megan's first birthday party as it did not conflict with nap time. It was Anna's first typical birthday party. I should have known better.
The party theme was a Stuff-a-Bear Tea Party. I needed to bring the girls their own juice, tea sandwiches (made with GFCF bread) and cake (again, GFCF). So that morning I made bread and cupcakes, made the sandwiches and carted it all (plus two girls, a diaper bag and a present). It thought it would be fine. I was confident that I could handle it, although it would be a little stressful to monitor tea time to make sure nobody offered them milk or unapproved sandwiches or cake.
So we get there...I thought there were only going to be like, 5 or 6 little girls there. But we walk into the house and it's crowded. I think there were 10 girls, plus their mothers, plus two sets of grandparents, a father and a stepmother, stepfather and a brother, and some other people too. Anna wanted to immediately run up the stairs to get away from the commotion. I told her no, firmly. That should have been my clue that things were not going to go well.
I found a place to put down my stuff. Megan was clingy and wanted to be held. It was time to stuff bears. My friend's mother helped Anna stuff her bear. Anna was fidgety and a little rude, not saying thank you or asking nicely for things, probably because she was feeling overwhelmed - but nobody else knew that. They just saw a high-maintenance big girl (Anna was one of the oldest girls there).
After the girls stuffed their bears, it was time to dance with them. Megan wanted to be held again. Anna ran off to do her own thing. Then it was tea time. The girls went and sat nicely at the tea table while I tried to quickly cut little bear "tea cakes" out of their sandwiches, trying not to stress about the girls getting their hands on any contraband. My friend's ex-law asked me what I was doing. I explained that my girls have food allergies so I was giving them something they could eat. He asked what food allergies...to keep it simple I said "wheat". He said how do you make bread without wheat? I said I use different flours, like chickpea and sorghum. He started ribbing me about it so I shot him a look and gave him a piece. He looked surprised but I smiled firmly, and he took a small taste. I think he was joking when he gagged. He must have been, because he finished the piece I gave him. But it just added to my stress. I went to give the girls their juice and tea sandwiches (which they enjoyed, by the way).
The girls were settled at the table so I went to get their cupcakes. The ex-law started asking questions again...what exactly were their food allergies? I told him - wheat, gluten, dairy, peanut and soy. He said, what then do they eat? I said I make everything for them at home. He said, you'd have to! He asked about the cupcakes, where they wheat free too? I said yes. He wanted one. I said, go ahead, there is one extra. There were other people in the room listening while he went on about the issue, but I just grabbed the cupcakes and walked out. I think he was trying to be charming, but I started feeling overwhelmed.
The girls enjoyed their cupcakes. Other parents were watching me give them their own stuff. Anna started to obsess about the flowers on the table. She wanted one. She got up, grabbed one, and said "it's a flower for me!". I told her to sit and put the flowers down, they were for the birthday girl. She started to unwind. She would not let the flower issue rest - she got up and ran away with it. Another little girl followed her and told her the flowers are for the birthday girl. Again I told Anna to give it back. She started to tantrum. Great. A 5 year old acting like a 2 year old, and all I get are the stares. Nobody but my friend knows about Anna's ASD, so everyone is just thinking she is an unruly spoiled brat. Anna is screaming and I tell her if she does not calm down, we will go home. I was wishing there was a place I could put her away from everyone else so she could take a break, but there were people everywhere and if I had picked her up to bring her upstairs, she would have turned into a kicking, screaming hyena. After a couple of minutes of intense crying and me trying to help her get a grip, she agreed to give the flower back to the birthday girl (after I tell her she has her own flowers in the car, which is a lie). She gave the flower back. She wanted to go upstairs again, I said no. She went to play with a toy in a room that was not overly crowded.
I went back to the kitchen to gather my stuff, knowing Anna would not last long, telling my friend along the way that we'd be leaving soon. She understood and asked if Anna was getting overwhelmed. Grateful, I said yes. No need to apologize.
The ex-law was in the kitchen again, asking about the cupcake. I stalked off to the tea room, grabbed the remaining cupcake, and gave it to him. He said no, that was okay. I said no really, I want you to have it. His wife came over and he told her all about the food allergies. She asked me why my girls have so many food allergies. Anna was roaming around behind me, looking a little lost but basically like a typical child, except for her weird fixations and tantrums. I had enough. I was stressed. I looked at the wife and said, "My daughter has autism which comes with food allergies. She is on a gluten and casein free diet, and it has really helped her, so I'm keeping her on it". The wife did not address the autism and was not polite enough to say anything about how well Anna was doing and she'd never know if I had not told her. Instead she went on about something trivial and unrelated. When she was finished talking I walked out of the kitchen to grab the rest of our stuff.
In the next room, everyone had gathered to watch the birthday girl open presents. All the little girls were sitting nicely and watching. Megan was playing in a different room. Anna was smack in the middle of the presents, inserting herself between the birthday girl and my friend, saying "this present is for me!". My friend was saying "no, it's for Eva, sweetie!". Anna said, "I'll help her open it!". Anna rips open the present. The grandparents are trying to take videos of their little girl's special day, and my daughter is making a scene. She won't listen to me as I call her name. I'm afraid if I remove her bodily from the scene, she'll flip out. Instead I pray that she'll calm down and just watch as Eva opens presents. But instead, she gets more animated. I'm upset, thinking Eva's family can't be happy about this. I grab Anna and remove her from the room. She starts screaming. Then, she starts throwing herself around and kicking. I cannot believe this. I'm mortified. I tell her it's time to go home to see Daddy. She yells that she wants to play outside. I tell her we ARE going outside (to the car!). I manage to get her to quiet down to a high pitched whine and we walk behind the crowed of party-goers. My friend's mother opens the door for us and we walk out. I have no time to say goodbye to my friend and I feel terrible about ruining her daughter's birthday party. We get to the car. Anna asks where her flowers are and I tell her there are none because she had behaved so badly at the party. I know this is not fair to her, but I'm angry and humiliated and I just want to go home. I feel bad for Megan, who was having fun and who was perfectly behaved - she doesn't understand why we had to leave. This isn't fair to her, either.
On the way home, I thought I should have known better from the start. Any other party Anna has been too, the child has had a similar diagnosis, and there were always active things to do - running, jumping, climbing...great sensory activities, and no forced social play. I thought Anna could handle a tea party, she loves them. But in the end there were too many people and she could not handle the new house, new people, and lots of noise.
When we got home, I vented to DH. He asked Anna why she had behaved badly at the party. She ignored him at first. He stopped her and said, "I asked you a question. Why did you flip out at the party?" Anna said "because I'm afraid of people". I wanted to cry. She can't tell me this in the thick of things. She gets so strung out and agitated that she just screams. Maybe it's her way of pushing away the commotion, trying to create space around herself. And I get so strung out and agitated by this that I'm no good at calming her down. We have got to find a better way to do things because clearly, this is not okay.
Every time I think we are doing good, something comes up to remind me that the battle we are fighting will take a long, long time to win. I should give us a break - life is better than it was a year ago. But the older she gets, the less understanding other people get, especially because looking at Anna, you'd never know there was anything different about her - until she starts screaming. To the outsider, she just seems sweet and a little quirky. I never thought I'd say this, but we need a little more quirk in our lives. Less screaming, more quirkiness. That'd be good.
The party theme was a Stuff-a-Bear Tea Party. I needed to bring the girls their own juice, tea sandwiches (made with GFCF bread) and cake (again, GFCF). So that morning I made bread and cupcakes, made the sandwiches and carted it all (plus two girls, a diaper bag and a present). It thought it would be fine. I was confident that I could handle it, although it would be a little stressful to monitor tea time to make sure nobody offered them milk or unapproved sandwiches or cake.
So we get there...I thought there were only going to be like, 5 or 6 little girls there. But we walk into the house and it's crowded. I think there were 10 girls, plus their mothers, plus two sets of grandparents, a father and a stepmother, stepfather and a brother, and some other people too. Anna wanted to immediately run up the stairs to get away from the commotion. I told her no, firmly. That should have been my clue that things were not going to go well.
I found a place to put down my stuff. Megan was clingy and wanted to be held. It was time to stuff bears. My friend's mother helped Anna stuff her bear. Anna was fidgety and a little rude, not saying thank you or asking nicely for things, probably because she was feeling overwhelmed - but nobody else knew that. They just saw a high-maintenance big girl (Anna was one of the oldest girls there).
After the girls stuffed their bears, it was time to dance with them. Megan wanted to be held again. Anna ran off to do her own thing. Then it was tea time. The girls went and sat nicely at the tea table while I tried to quickly cut little bear "tea cakes" out of their sandwiches, trying not to stress about the girls getting their hands on any contraband. My friend's ex-law asked me what I was doing. I explained that my girls have food allergies so I was giving them something they could eat. He asked what food allergies...to keep it simple I said "wheat". He said how do you make bread without wheat? I said I use different flours, like chickpea and sorghum. He started ribbing me about it so I shot him a look and gave him a piece. He looked surprised but I smiled firmly, and he took a small taste. I think he was joking when he gagged. He must have been, because he finished the piece I gave him. But it just added to my stress. I went to give the girls their juice and tea sandwiches (which they enjoyed, by the way).
The girls were settled at the table so I went to get their cupcakes. The ex-law started asking questions again...what exactly were their food allergies? I told him - wheat, gluten, dairy, peanut and soy. He said, what then do they eat? I said I make everything for them at home. He said, you'd have to! He asked about the cupcakes, where they wheat free too? I said yes. He wanted one. I said, go ahead, there is one extra. There were other people in the room listening while he went on about the issue, but I just grabbed the cupcakes and walked out. I think he was trying to be charming, but I started feeling overwhelmed.
The girls enjoyed their cupcakes. Other parents were watching me give them their own stuff. Anna started to obsess about the flowers on the table. She wanted one. She got up, grabbed one, and said "it's a flower for me!". I told her to sit and put the flowers down, they were for the birthday girl. She started to unwind. She would not let the flower issue rest - she got up and ran away with it. Another little girl followed her and told her the flowers are for the birthday girl. Again I told Anna to give it back. She started to tantrum. Great. A 5 year old acting like a 2 year old, and all I get are the stares. Nobody but my friend knows about Anna's ASD, so everyone is just thinking she is an unruly spoiled brat. Anna is screaming and I tell her if she does not calm down, we will go home. I was wishing there was a place I could put her away from everyone else so she could take a break, but there were people everywhere and if I had picked her up to bring her upstairs, she would have turned into a kicking, screaming hyena. After a couple of minutes of intense crying and me trying to help her get a grip, she agreed to give the flower back to the birthday girl (after I tell her she has her own flowers in the car, which is a lie). She gave the flower back. She wanted to go upstairs again, I said no. She went to play with a toy in a room that was not overly crowded.
I went back to the kitchen to gather my stuff, knowing Anna would not last long, telling my friend along the way that we'd be leaving soon. She understood and asked if Anna was getting overwhelmed. Grateful, I said yes. No need to apologize.
The ex-law was in the kitchen again, asking about the cupcake. I stalked off to the tea room, grabbed the remaining cupcake, and gave it to him. He said no, that was okay. I said no really, I want you to have it. His wife came over and he told her all about the food allergies. She asked me why my girls have so many food allergies. Anna was roaming around behind me, looking a little lost but basically like a typical child, except for her weird fixations and tantrums. I had enough. I was stressed. I looked at the wife and said, "My daughter has autism which comes with food allergies. She is on a gluten and casein free diet, and it has really helped her, so I'm keeping her on it". The wife did not address the autism and was not polite enough to say anything about how well Anna was doing and she'd never know if I had not told her. Instead she went on about something trivial and unrelated. When she was finished talking I walked out of the kitchen to grab the rest of our stuff.
In the next room, everyone had gathered to watch the birthday girl open presents. All the little girls were sitting nicely and watching. Megan was playing in a different room. Anna was smack in the middle of the presents, inserting herself between the birthday girl and my friend, saying "this present is for me!". My friend was saying "no, it's for Eva, sweetie!". Anna said, "I'll help her open it!". Anna rips open the present. The grandparents are trying to take videos of their little girl's special day, and my daughter is making a scene. She won't listen to me as I call her name. I'm afraid if I remove her bodily from the scene, she'll flip out. Instead I pray that she'll calm down and just watch as Eva opens presents. But instead, she gets more animated. I'm upset, thinking Eva's family can't be happy about this. I grab Anna and remove her from the room. She starts screaming. Then, she starts throwing herself around and kicking. I cannot believe this. I'm mortified. I tell her it's time to go home to see Daddy. She yells that she wants to play outside. I tell her we ARE going outside (to the car!). I manage to get her to quiet down to a high pitched whine and we walk behind the crowed of party-goers. My friend's mother opens the door for us and we walk out. I have no time to say goodbye to my friend and I feel terrible about ruining her daughter's birthday party. We get to the car. Anna asks where her flowers are and I tell her there are none because she had behaved so badly at the party. I know this is not fair to her, but I'm angry and humiliated and I just want to go home. I feel bad for Megan, who was having fun and who was perfectly behaved - she doesn't understand why we had to leave. This isn't fair to her, either.
On the way home, I thought I should have known better from the start. Any other party Anna has been too, the child has had a similar diagnosis, and there were always active things to do - running, jumping, climbing...great sensory activities, and no forced social play. I thought Anna could handle a tea party, she loves them. But in the end there were too many people and she could not handle the new house, new people, and lots of noise.
When we got home, I vented to DH. He asked Anna why she had behaved badly at the party. She ignored him at first. He stopped her and said, "I asked you a question. Why did you flip out at the party?" Anna said "because I'm afraid of people". I wanted to cry. She can't tell me this in the thick of things. She gets so strung out and agitated that she just screams. Maybe it's her way of pushing away the commotion, trying to create space around herself. And I get so strung out and agitated by this that I'm no good at calming her down. We have got to find a better way to do things because clearly, this is not okay.
Every time I think we are doing good, something comes up to remind me that the battle we are fighting will take a long, long time to win. I should give us a break - life is better than it was a year ago. But the older she gets, the less understanding other people get, especially because looking at Anna, you'd never know there was anything different about her - until she starts screaming. To the outsider, she just seems sweet and a little quirky. I never thought I'd say this, but we need a little more quirk in our lives. Less screaming, more quirkiness. That'd be good.
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