Garlic Walnut Sandwich Bread

This is a variation on Perfect Sandwich Bread.

2 1/2 cups GF flour blend (I used this one)
2 tsp. xanthan gum
2 tsp. sugar
3/4 tsp. salt
3/4 tsp. oregano
3/4 tsp. basil
1/3 cup walnut meal
1/2 cup lukewarm rice milk
1/2 cup warm water
2 beaten eggs
3 tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
3 cloves minced garlic
1 3/4 tsp. rapid rise yeast

Sift together the flour through the basil. Add the walnut meal and blend well, set aside.

Whisk together the rice milk through the garlic.

*For the bread machine, add the wet ingredients to the bottom of the pan. Add dry ingredients, covering the wet ingredients completely. Make a small well in the center and add the yeast. Set the bread machine to the gluten free setting and press start. I always help the bread mix with a spatula. After the bread has finished baking, remove immediately from the pan to a wire rack.

**To bake in the oven, mix the yeast in with the dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients slowly while mixing and beat until blended. Scrape batter into a greased non-stick loaf pan. Cover with plastic wrap, let rise 35-45 minutes or until it rises to the top of the pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Cover with tin foil if needed and bake another 15-20 minutes. The bread is done when a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Turn bread out of loaf pan and cool completely on a wire rack.

How to Treat a Sick Tummy

Anna is sick today. It started yesterday with a high fever (the advice nurse tells me that 101 - 102 is not high, but I'm a mom and I beg to disagree) and it progressed to a nasty stomach bug late last evening. I have done more loads of laundry today than I care to count. Up to this point, Anna has never really had a stomach bug (aside from the odd tossing of the stomach once or twice). So I called the advice nurse all worked up that Anna wasn't keeping anything down. She has not eaten anything in more than a day and she's not keeping liquids down, and she's already so slight.

Well, you can tell when the advice nurse has had a bad day when she says things like "it's going around and we've seen lots of cases of this stomach virus" and "she threw up because you let her drink too fast" and "you have to be a mean mommy and only give her a little bit of liquid at a time". She gave me a very specific set of instructions to follow that I'd never heard before, so I'm going to write them down for future reference. I followed them and so far, so good. But let me tell you, it's hard to tell your daughter that she has to wait for a drink when she's begging for it and crying that she's thirsty and all the neighbors can surely hear her plaintive cries for water. I put it back on the nurse - "Anna, the nurse says you can't have any water! You must have Gatorade and you have to wait for it! The nurse says so!". That placated her slightly... though I wonder how much longer that trick will work.

So this is what to do when your sweet child has a stomach bug:

After they toss their stomach, they can't have anything for 45 minutes (because the nurse says so!).
After 45 minutes, give your child 1 teaspoon of Pedialyte or Gatorade.
If that stays down, continue with 1 teaspoon every 10 - 15 minutes.
If there has been no stomach tossing for an hour, increase the liquid to 1 tablespoon every 10 - 15 minutes.
If things are going well and there has been no stomach tossing for 2 hours, increase the liquid to 1 or 2 ounces every 30 minutes.
If things are going really great, and the liquid stays down, after 4 hours you can offer half a piece of dry toast.
But if at any point the stomach tossing resumes, you have to go back to square one!

And if things go very badly, dehydration is likely and you should give up and go see the pediatrician.

The advice nurse also told me not to worry that the Tylenol I gave Anna to help bring down the fever came back up too. It's more important to make sure a little bit of liquid stays down first - the Tylenol can wait. She suggested Tylenol suppositories. I tried not to laugh when I said "um, my daughter has ASD and is tactile defensive, and there is no way the suppository thing is going to work". If things get so bad that a suppository is our only option, that's when I'll bring Anna to the emergency room so that somebody else can take care of that. Seriously, that would just be traumatic for both Anna and me, and we don't need that. Yes siree, that's something I'll gladly blame on a nurse too. God bless them!

********3/2/09 - I get to try this method all over again with Megan, who caught the bug from Anna. Again, so far so good. However, I'm afraid I'm next. There's only so much flirting with germs one can do before one gets sick oneself.

Spagetti with Garlic and Cumin

This recipe has been in my recipe box for a long time. It's from Bon Apetite - you can find the original recipe here. It's fast and easy and DH really likes it.

6 ounces gluten free pasta
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tbsp. chopped fresh parsley or 2 tsp. dried parsley
2 large cloves garlic, minced
2 tsp. ground cumin
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/8 tsp. salt or to taste

Cook pasta in boiling water according to package directions (about 8 - 10 minutes or until done). While the pasta is cooking, combine the remaining ingredients. Drain pasta and return it to the pot. Add the olive oil mixture and toss to combine. Adjust with a little more olive oil or salt as desired and serve hot.

Kitchen Sink Fried Rice

I've tried several versions of fried rice over the years. Each time I tried, it seemed to lack "oomph". DH was never really impressed. There's been some leftover rice in the fridge for a couple of days and I thought I'd try again. I looked up another fried rice recipe and then decided to deviate from it. I wanted it to be a little interesting...it needed some zip.

What I'm posting here is not authentic, but it is interesting and hopefully accessible too. I like the idea of throwing this together with whatever is available in the refrigerator, so the ingredients below are just a guide. I don't care for eggs in my rice, so I didn't put any in...but you do what you want. This recipe is loosely based on the one that can be found here.


2 tbsp. hot chili sesame oil
1 medium onion, chopped
1 medium red pepper, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tsp. grated ginger
1 1/2 cups cooked chicken, cubed
1 cup fresh or frozen peas
1 cup packed fresh baby spinach
1/2 cup grated carrots*
1/2 cup diced fresh pineapple, if desired*
3 cups cold cooked rice
1/4 cup wheat-free soy sauce (or UnSoy Sauce for soy-free folks)

Heat sesame oil in a wok or large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and pepper and toss for a couple of minutes, until beginning to soften. Add the garlic and ginger, toss for another minute. Add the chicken and peas, toss for another minute. Add the spinach and toss until wilted. Add the grated carrots, rice and soy sauce, toss until the rice turns brown and the dish is heated through. Adjust hot chili oil to taste, if desired. Serve hot.

*I did not use pineapple in the dish I made today...or grated carrots (but next time I will!). Instead I used 1/2 cup drained Hell of a Relish (a sweet-hot carrot relish) to add a slightly sweet, spicy zing to the dish.

Spring Chicken Soup with Quinoa

The other day I made Spicy (Vegan) Potato Curry and cooked some quinoa to go with it. I had some leftover quinoa and was mulling over options for its use when I found an appealing recipe in Eating Well for Spring Chicken and Barley soup. Clearly, barley is right out for us and I'm tired of using rice or pasta in soups. So I baked some chicken thighs, got out the leftover quinoa, mucked around a bit with the original recipe and came out with this. I really like the peas in the recipe, and the quinoa is unobtrusive. It gets the Megan stamp of approval, which is a high compliment in our house!

2 tbsp. olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 cloves minced garlic
1 quart chicken broth
1 1/2 cups cooked cubed chicken*
1 cup cooked quinoa*
1 15oz can petite diced tomatoes
1 cup fresh or frozen peas
1/2 tsp. salt
fresh ground pepper to taste
1/2 tsp. dried basil or 1 tbsp. fresh chopped basil
1 tbsp. chopped chives

Heat oil in a medium pot. Add the onion and the garlic, cook until onion is soft. Add the chicken broth, cooked chicken, cooked quinoa, tomatoes, peas, salt, pepper and basil. Bring to a simmer and cook 5 minutes or until heated through. Remove from the heat. Stir in the chives, adjust salt and pepper to taste, and serve hot.

*If you don't have cooked chicken or quinoa, make these adjustments: cut a large boneless, skinless chicken breast into chunks. Add the raw chicken to the onion/garlic mixture, cooking until the onion is soft. Add the chicken broth, 1/2 cup uncooked quinoa, tomatoes, peas, salt pepper and basil to the pot. Bring soup to a boil. Cover and simmer about 15 minutes, or until the quinoa is cooked. Stir in the chives and serve hot.

A Song for Anna

Anna responds very strongly to music. She always has. I used to play jigs and reels for her when she was a baby. She'd pull herself up to the coffee table, stand there, and wiggle her butt to the music. It was hilarious how she was so into it. I continue to play the music I enjoy for the girls (because girls cannot live on Disney alone). It's funny to notice that Anna responds to the same songs that I do - the songs I really like, Anna really likes too. She will ask me to repeat a song over and over again, and when she's memorized the words she'll start singing. I don't mind this, especially since I like the music too, and I've always fixated on certain songs and hit the repeat button over and over and over until I felt saturated (which can sometimes take days!). Megan does not seem to respond to music the same way Anna and I do, but she does not mind going along for the ride - right now, anyway.

As far as I can tell, the music Anna likes best is layered and is heavier on low-end sound (neither one of us likes the high-end sound metal stuff that DH prefers). So I pick the clean songs I like off my favorite albums - a mix of techno, industrial, ambient, post-punk, etc. Anna likes Moby, Loop Guru, Lanterna, Citizen Cope, Celldweller, Blue October, Tom Petty, The Shins, U2, Smashing Pumpkins...that girl has good taste.

Lately Anna has been asking for DH and I to play Tom Petty for her - Learning to Fly, to be specific. She wants to hear it over and over and over again. We indulged her yesterday afternoon and she treated us to her own special twirling, kick-stomping dance to go with it. It's hilarious - it reminds me of the dancing she used to to do jigs and reels. As I was listening to her singing along with the song - "I'm learning to fly!", she sang exuberantly - I realized it makes a very appropriate song for her. A song for Anna. A song for me, too.

Learning to Fly Lyrics

Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
The town lit up and the world got still

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Comin' down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Comin' down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Comin' down is the hardest thing
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly
I'm learning to fly

Rich Fudgy Brownies

I have not made these brownies in a long time. I thought they were cake brownies since there is a frosting recipe that goes with them. But they turned out dense, decadent and too rich for frosting. I used coconut oil in place of the butter, which gave these brownies a pleasantly subtle coconut taste. The whole pan was gone in just a couple of days!

4 one ounce bars of unsweetened chocolate
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/4 cup applesauce
1 2/3 cup sugar
3 eggs
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup GF flour blend (I used this one)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 13x9 inch baking pan with cooking spray, set aside.

Melt chocolate and coconut oil in a small saucepan over low heat. Stir until chocolate is melted and smooth. Remove from heat and pour into a large mixing bowl. Add the sugar and mix well. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Stir in the vanilla. Add the flour and stir until blended. Spread into the prepared baking pan. Bake 30 - 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack, cut into squares and serve.

Crystallized Frustration

Tonight DH and I took some rare time out for ourselves as a couple. We decided to blow the night off and watch The Dark Knight. We were at the point where Alfred was telling Bruce Wayne that some men create chaos for the sake of chaos and not necessarily for money or fame. That's when I heard a high pitched keening in the background that was not part of the soundtrack.

I ran to the bedroom that the girls share. Megan was asleep. Anna was sitting up in bed, footed pajamas off, screaming. I surmised that she had gotten up to use the bathroom, taken her pajamas off and was having trouble getting them back on again. I looked at her and asked her to stop screaming and talk to me. This is a routine request and she has gotten better at complying. Lately she will actually do as we ask and come to find us, sneaking up behind us with quiet feet and scaring the crap out of us. But tonight she was screaming, and when I asked her to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, her screaming escalated. Megan, poor girl, was so dead tired by the day's events that she kept sleeping. Before the screaming woke her up, I picked Anna and the offending pajamas up and exited the room.

Instead of relaxing in my arms like Megan would have done, Anna stiffened up and became more agitated. She screamed louder. I held her nearly at arms length away from me as I carried her to the living room, afraid that she would start kicking as well as screaming. We met DH in the doorway and I dumped Anna in his arms. She was still screaming and I was so frustrated that I started to read her the riot act. Stop screaming, I said. Use your words. Tell me what is wrong. Now Anna was not only screaming, but flailing, jumping up and down, and throwing herself on the floor. I knew what was wrong, but I was not going to give in to this tantrum. I noticed her underwear was damp. I told her I would get her different pajamas and new underwear and left DH to deal with the screaming.

Anna was slightly more calm when I returned, but she did not like my choice of pajamas. My frustration levels skyrocketed and I told her - stop screaming. You need to use your words. Put your pajamas on and if you cannot calm down, I will put a mattress on the floor of the dining room where you can sleep - where you won't wake up Megan. Do you understand? Calm down. It's not okay to scream and wake your sister up. Have you used the bathroom? Good. Let's go back to bed.

Anna trotted in front of me back to the bedroom. Megan was still zonked out, a testament to how badly she needed the sleep. Anna crawled into bed as my inner conflict began. I love you, Anna. Have a good night's sleep. She was quiet now, yawning. I kissed her, gave her a squeeze, and left the room.

I went back to the living room and started to vent.

I feel bad about being angry. I feel bad for wearing my frustration on my sleeve. But it is not fair to Megan that Anna screams and wakes her up. It is not fair to have one child terrorize this whole house. Megan doesn't scream and doesn't wake Anna up. It is not okay that Anna scream and wake her sister up. It is not okay to scream. Anna knows this. We tell her this constantly. Anna is almost six. She is smart. Everyone tells us this. We know this. Why does she not get that screaming is not okay? Why is this so hard for her to understand? Why is language still so hard for her, even when speech therapy has given her the tools to communicate? Will language ever be her preferred method of communication? Or will her first instinct always be to scream? Will her reaction always be that primal? What can we do to help her?

I know why Anna is upset. She got up to use the bathroom. She didn't pull her underwear down far enough and got it wet. She took her pajamas off and couldn't get them back on again. She had a big, busy day filled with two birthday parties at the end of a long week where her dad was gone and her routine was thrown off. I understand this. But it's still not okay to scream. It's not going to be okay to act like this in society, it is not okay to act like this at home. We need to give her the tools to function in society. I understand she's upset, but I will not give in to this. This is not the way to behave.

I feel mean. I feel like a terrible mother. But Anna is not my only child. I want Anna to know that I love her, but I love her sister too. It's not fair to Megan for us to focus on Anna's needs at the expense of Megan's. So what if Megan does not have the same high strung needs that Anna has? She still has needs, like sleep and security and love, and I will not sacrifice those needs in the face of autism. I will not. I need to provide for both of my children.

And yes, this is what high functioning autism looks like at 9pm on a Saturday night. I'm angry, and frustrated, and this is what an autism mother looks like. Frazzled and upset and alone, unable to reach her child. Unable to fully understand. This is what an autism household looks like. Grey hairs and fear and frustration. Nobody else understands, unless they have a child on the spectrum too. And even then, every child is different. I feel alone. I don't know how to reach my daughter.

Part of me feels bad because I know if it had been Megan who woke up screaming, I could have held her for a few minutes and made her feel better. But this does not work with Anna. I don't know how to balance her. I don't know how to meet her or get her to meet me in the middle. I don't know how to encourage her to break through the encapsulating fear and anger she experiences in the middle of a meltdown. I can feel her frustration and I know she can feel mine.

It's been two years since we started intervention for Anna, and she has come a long way. I'm thrilled with the progress she has made, but we are still never far from the edge. I feel like we walk a tightrope, waiting for the breeze that will knock us off and put us back were we were two years ago, smack in the middle of staring autism in the face. At times like these - facing down autism with no good response and no clear path in front of us - it's hard to not feel like we are alone.

Arepas

I have been wanting to try arepas for a long time, ever since I read Gluten Free Girl's wonderful post here about how to make them. But I can't find pre-cooked cornmeal anywhere locally. I have no problem finding corn flour, masa harina, cornmeal, corn tortillas, hominy...all those lovely gluten free mexican offerings. But no P.A.N. And then I stumbled across this arepa recipe here at Rice of Life that uses hominy instead of precooked cornmeal! I can definitely find hominy! I cannot describe my excitement over finding this recipe. (Rice of Life has so many wonderful sounding recipes - if you have not checked it out, you should!) So I made arepas with the ingredients found at Rice of Life and I followed the method found at Gluten Free Girl. They turned out so delicious that I made three batches in three days. Even the dough smells mouth-watering before cooking. Arepas are so easy to make, and so versatile. They can be stuffed with anything. They remind me of corn english muffins, only better. If you make them thin enough and split them open and stuff them, it's like having thin crispy crusts of gluten free goodness holding the filling together, it's just awesome. And delicious. I need to make more.

2 15oz cans white or yellow hominy, drained
1/4 cup olive oil
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup water, plus more as needed
1 cup masa harina, plus more if needed
3 scallions, white and pale green parts only, thinly sliced

Heat a griddle, preferably cast iron, over medium heat. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place the hominy, olive oil and salt in a food processor. Slowly add the water in a thin stream and puree for a couple of minutes, or until the hominy looks smooth and creamy. Scrape into a bowl.

Add the masa harina and mix well. Add the scallions and stir to incorporate. Feel the dough with your hands. If it feels wet and sticky, add a little more masa harina.

Take a clump of dough and form it into a ball about the size of your palm. Flatten the ball into a circle about 1/2 inch thick and smooth the edges. If the dough is too dry, it will crack around the edges. If it is too wet, it will stick all over your hands. Adjust with just a little water or masa harina as necessary. After the dough is flattened, it should stick to your hand upside down for just a couple of seconds, like this:

Oil the hot griddle lightly, then place the arepas on the griddle. Cook until a light brown crust forms on the bottom, about 5 - 7 minutes.

Flip and cook on the other side until a crust forms, about another 8 minutes. Don't scorch them, and don't get impatient - the insides need to cook too.

Transfer the arepas to a baking sheet and place them in the oven. Bake for about 15 minutes. Tap them - when done they should sound hollow. Cool slightly.

To split the arepas open, take a sharp knife, insert it about 1/2 inch into the crusty edge and run it all the way around. The arepa will fall open to reveal a slightly doughy inside - don't be alarmed, this is they way they should be. (If you run the knife all the way through the arepa, the insides will stick to the knife.)

Fill your arepa with anything. So far I've filled them with Cuban Shredded Pork and avocado slices, sliced tomatoes with basil and greens, fried egg and ham, and eaten them just plain. They'd also make good BLT's, chicken salad sandwiches...they'd make good anything, really!

GFCF Herbed Sandwich Wraps

The other day I made tomato GFCF Sandwich Wraps. They tasted amazing, but I was thinking that a wrap that could handle a mustard dressing would be nice. I looked to Gluten Free Gobsmacked for inspiration on how to use the herbs here. I was a little unsure of how it this trial would work without the added 1/3 cup tomatoes (or pesto). The first batch I made was too thick. It was a pain in the rear to spread onto the baking sheet and it kept tearing. The end result was good, but too thick. I tried it again, using more water. At first it looked soupy and I thought I had added too much. But after a minute the dough firmed up and the end result was easily spreadable. The wraps ended up being even more flexible than I thought they might be, and they tasted great with a mustard, lettuce and turkey filling. Now I have three wrap recipes under my belt to choose from. Variety is the spice of life!

1/4 cup rice flour OR sorghum flour
1/4 cup chickpea flour OR quinoa flour
1/4 cup potato starch flour
1/4 cup tapioca starch flour
1 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. xanthan gum
1 3/4 tsp. yeast
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. dried basil
1 tsp. dried oregano
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 cup water
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp. vinegar

Whisk together the dry ingredients up to and including the pepper. Place in a food processor. Add the olive oil and vinegar. Turn the processor on and add 1/2 cup of water in a small stream. The mixture will look soupy - do not be alarmed. Wait a minute as it will firm up a bit. Take a bit of the batter between two fingers and feel it. If it feels like it will spread nicely with a little help with your spatula, you are done. Add a little more water if necessary.

Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper. Lightly spray the parchment paper with cooking spray. Divide the batter between the two cookie sheets.

Flatten the batter a bit, then spray lightly with cooking spray. Patiently spread the batter with a spatula into a thin rectangle. If the batter tears open into little holes or wants to come away on the spatula, spray the spatula with a little cooking spray and continue spreading. Get it as thin as you can without it tearing. It should not be too thin (too thin is when you can see the parchment paper underneath the dough) or it will get crispy when baked.

Bake wraps at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. They should look lightly browned around the edges. Lift the wrap up and if it looks golden brown on the bottom, it is done.

Remove the wrap from the oven. Take the wrap, lift it off of the parchment paper, and lay it on a wire rack to cool. Cut each wrap in half for 4 wraps. Store in a baggie on the counter for up to 3 days.

*I like the rice and chickpea combination best, but sorghum and quinoa flours are great too. Cut back on the water and/or add a little more flour at the end to help thicken the dough. Sorghum and quinoa will absorb less than rice and chickpea.

Vegetable, Rice and Lemon Soup

This is a good, simple soup that gets the Megan stamp of approval. She likes it with a little bit of pesto swirled into her bowl, which only increases the nutritional content of the soup.


8 cups chicken broth
3 carrots, peeled and chopped
3 celery stalks, peeled and chopped
1 large onion, diced
1 cup chopped red, yellow or orange pepper
2/3 cup rice (I like short grain brown rice)
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste
parsley, optional

In a large pot, bring chicken broth, carrots, celery, onion and rice to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer until rice and vegetables are tender. Remove from heat. Stir in the lemon juice and parsley, if desired. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve hot with a lemon wedge for garnish, if desired.

Cuban Shredded Pork

I really like this recipe. It's easy, and even the cold leftovers taste great. The original recipe can be found here. I imagine this would also be good with chicken or turkey instead of the pork.


1 1/2 pounds boneless pork loin
1 cup water
juice of 1 lime
8 black peppercorns
3 cloves crushed garlic
1 tsp. dried thyme
a couple pinches of salt

2 tbsp. olive oil
1 large onion, halved and thinly sliced
4 cloves garlic, peeled, halved and thinly sliced
juice of 1 lime

Place pork loin in a greased crock pot. Add the water to the crock pot. To the water in the crock pot, add the lime juice, peppercorns and garlic. Sprinkle the thyme and the salt over top of the pork. Cover and cook on low 4 - 5 hours, or until the pork is cooked through. Turn off the heat, uncover the pork, and let rest until cool enough to handle. Remove the pork from the broth, remove excess fat, and shred. Set aside.

In a large skillet, heat oil over medium heat. Add the shredded pork and fry until beginning to crisp, about 5 minutes, tossing frequently. Add the onions and garlic and continue cooking until the onion is just tender, about 10 minutes. Turn off the heat. Add the lime juice and toss well. Serve hot with rice and beans, if desired.

Shae's Hominy Soup

This soup is super fast to throw together. The lime juice really makes it good. Thanks to Shae for another great recipe!

1 can diced tomatoes with green chilies, such as Rotel, undrained
1 can pinto beans, drained
1 can hominy, drained
3 cups water
1 medium onion, chopped
1 tsp. marjoram
1 tsp. ground cumin
2 medium potatoes, peeled and chopped
salt and pepper to taste
lime wedges to serve

Combine Rotel through cumin in a pot. Bring to a boil, then simmer about 15 minutes. Add the potatoes, simmer another 15 minutes until the potatoes are tender. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve with lime wedges, which should be squeezed into each individual bowl of soup.

Hearing Colors

When Anna was two years old, we were outside when a fire engine raced by about a block away. It was loud and a little startling.

"I hear orange!" Anna told me.

I looked at her and said "No, Anna. You don't hear orange. You hear a siren. You see colors, you don't hear colors. You hear sounds."

After that exchange, Anna did not tell me anything more about hearing colors. Only later did I realize she was telling me the truth - it was very possible she did in fact hear sounds and see colors at the same time. It's called synesthesia, and it's very real. I've felt horrible since then about invalidating her experience. I want her to be able to talk to me and know that she'll be taken seriously, and I've been anxious to correct my mistake. I've waited 3 years for a good opportunity. Her language skills are better - she can answer questions reliably and describe her experiences so we can understand. So today we were outside for a picnic lunch. There are bulldozers all over the neighborhood, backing up and beeping. This used to send her into a screaming fit, but today she said she liked the beeping. I decided to ask her some questions.

"Anna, do you see a color when the bulldozers beep?".

"Yes. The low beep is grey."

"Do you see a color when the beep is high?"

"Uh-huh. The high beep is white. I don't like high sounds. They scare me. I like low sounds."

"I like low sounds too. High sounds hurt my ears. Do you see a color for low sounds?"

"Yeah! I see red."

"What color do you see when you hear a high sound?"

"I see green when there's a high sound."

"So a low sound is red, and a high sound is green?"

"Yes."

"That's really neat, Anna! What is your favorite color?"

"My favorite color is pink!"

"What color do you not like?"

"Brown. I don't like brown. I like pink."

Anna was very emphatic through this whole exchange. She definitely had strong opinions about my questions. Hopefully I conveyed to her that I believe her and take her seriously. I hope I've made amends!

Blueberry Corn Muffins

These muffins are almost too pretty to eat. I used a muffin pan that makes 6 large muffins so they would look more dramatic. Serve warm soon after removing from the oven, or serve split and broiled with maple syrup for breakfast.

1 cup cornmeal
1 cup gluten free All Purpose Flour Blend
1/4 cup sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. xanthan gum
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup rice milk
1 beaten egg
1/4 cup canola oil
1 cup fresh blueberries

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Grease a muffin tin with cooking spray or line with baking cups, set aside.

Combine the cornmeal through the salt, whisking to blend. Make a well in the center. Whisk to gether the rice milk through the canola oil. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir until moistened. Fold in the blueberries.

Fill muffin cups 3/4 full. Bake about 15 - 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

GFCF "Buttermilk" Ranch Salad Dressing

I love Ranch Dressing. Sadly, most of it is taboo...unless I make it at home! I used to make this with a combination of mayo and sour cream, but I tried it with just mayo and it really was pretty good. It fixes that ranch dressing craving, at least!

2 tbsp. Ranch Dressing Base (such as Penzey's Buttermilk Ranch)
3 tbsp. water
1 tbsp. vinegar, lemon juice, or water
1/4 cup mayo (Whole Foods 365 brand is gluten, casein and soy free)
1/2 cup dairy free, soy free plain yogurt (such as So Delicious)
rice milk or other dairy free milk alternative for thinning, if desired

Combine the Ranch Dressing Base (I love Penzey's), water and vinegar. Let stand 5 minutes. Add the mayo and yogurt and whisk to blend. Thin if desired. This is great on salads, but my favorite way to enjoy this is with grape tomatoes. Yum.

Curried Cauliflower Soup

This is a Penzey's recipe, modified slightly. It's a good soup for a cold, rainy day. You can easily kick up the heat a bit if you wish by using more cayenne or using hot curry powder in place in the sweet curry powder. Megan loves this soup and begs me to make it for her on a semi-regular basis!

1 large head cauliflower
6 cups vegetable broth
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp. sweet curry powder
1/8 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp. salt, or more to taste
1/4 tsp. pepper

Rinse the cauliflower and cut it into small florets. Place the florets into a large pot. Add the vegetable broth, olive oil, curry, cayenne, salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil, then simmer for about 10 minutes, or until the cauliflower is tender. Turn off the heat and serve immediately.

*You can add pasta to this recipe if desired - I recommend adding 1 cup of cooked pasta to the soup at the end.

Garlic and Mustard Crumbed Chicken

A neighbor gave me this recipe a long time ago. I've always liked it - the crumb coating reminds me of stuffing. Leftovers are good sliced and put on top of a green salad.

1 cup gluten free breadcrumbs, plus more as needed
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup dijon mustard
1 minced clove garlic
2 tbsp. chopped fresh parsley or 2 tsp. dried parsley
2 - 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Smear a baking dish with olive oil, set aside.

Place the breadcrumbs in a shallow dish. Combine the olive oil through the parsley, whisking to blend. Dip the chicken into the mustard mixture, then coat in breadcrumbs. If desired, dip the coated chicken back into the mustard mixture and coat it again with the breadcrumbs. Place the chicken in the prepared baking dish. Bake about 25 minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through (a thermometer stuck in the thickest part of the chicken should read 165 degrees). Let rest for 5 minutes before serving.

Gluten Free Ice Cream Cones

Look what I found at my local Whole Foods! Gluten free ice cream cones!!

And guess how much they cost - less than $4! We've done without ice cream cones for a year because I didnt' want to shell out $9, plus shipping for the ones that sell online. I snapped up the two boxes that were on the shelf and bought some coconut milk ice cream as a treat. Anna had an ice cream cone for dessert tonight, and she was very happy. It's the little things I like doing for her, just to see the smile of pleasure on her face. It cost $8.50 for the ice cream and the cones and it was definitely money well spent.

Thinking Visually: Part 2 - Math Blindness

This is a follow-up to Thinking Visually: Part 1

I can't do math. Several years ago I figured out why - I don't "see" it. Numbers don't mean anything to me. There is no picture in my head for them, nothing I can tie them to...math is a language I've never been able to decipher. I can learn other languages, but not math. I've heard that some people can't do math because they don't have an "internal calculator". But that does not quite describe the blankness that goes on in my head when I look at a number. So being curious, I went searching for a definition that explained my trouble. I found a good candidate in Dyscalculia.

Basically dyscalculia is the "fundamental inability to conceptualize numbers as abstract concepts of comparative quantities (a deficit in 'number sense')"[cite]. It's a learning disability that is not as well known as dyslexia but more common, and it often goes unrecognized in children (and no wonder, if those children have a hard time explaining what their problem is). Now let's go over what parts of the dyscalculia checklist apply to yours truly:

*Difficulty with everyday tasks like checking change
*Difficulty comprehending budgeting,such as estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket
*Difficulty with multiplication-tables, mental arithmetic, etc.
*Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time
*Difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance
*Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences
*Anxiety of mathematics (definite check!)
*Low latent inhibition (over-sensitivity to noise, smell, light, etc.)

*This description here is also spot-on!

Dyscalculia seems to explain a lot about my number blindness. I can remember as far back as second grade, sitting in class, fearful of failing a test, asking my desk neighbor to let me cheat from him (and feeling horrible about that because cheating was wrong). He was cool with that for a little while, but when I remained unable to "get it", he was less willing to help. I remember whispering to him in desperation during one test, "what is 9 times 2?". He gave me a horrified look and said "you don't know what 9 times 2 is?". I felt shamed into being unable to ask for help after that. I couldn't ask my friends because it would be socially unacceptable to have such an area of academic weakness. I certainly couldn't ask the teacher, who would tell my parents just how dumb I was. So I sat alone in fear and silence, unable to make sense of the lessons or process the information that was given to me.

I got by for a little while by counting on my fingers, something I still do today. I can see the number of fingers on my hand, which helps me keep track of numbers in my head. But by 5th grade I was still unable to do multiplication. A neighbor let me borrow his multiplication records. I was mortified by having to ask, but I needed to do something and he was kind enough to not tease me. To this day, the only way I can remember simple multiplication is because I memorized those sing-along multiplications songs. And even then, it takes time to pull up the songs and the rhymes and answer to something like 8 times 6. I can do simple multiplication on paper, but I still use my fingers and recite those little songs in my head. Anything big with lots of numbers, and I get lost. I can't keep track of all the numbers even when I can see them on paper, and I end up making mistakes.

How did I get through school like this? I've no idea. I tried everything - staying after school for help week after week, staying after class to ask the teacher for a little extra help, going over extra exercises to try to beat it into my brain, but nothing stuck. My teachers (algebra, geometry, chemistry, physics) were all so nice and so earnest. They tried so hard to help me understand, but every one of them got frustrated after a certain point. I could see it in their faces and hear it in their tone of voice. My efforts must have counted for something, however, and I really believe a couple of teachers gave me mercy points to pull my grades up to a C or a D in the class. And that was mortifying too. I was not a C student. After nearly failing Algebra 2 in high school, I marched to the guidance counselor's office and told him I would not take any more math classes. He agreed they were not necessary and I was able to pull up my GPA and graduate near the top of my class.

I do pretty okay in day to day life not being able to do math. I rely on the tip calculator in my wallet to figure out how much to tip someone. Even then, it's a painful process to try to read it. I go over it and over it - did I get the numbers right? Am I reading the right line? Trying to calculate sales in the store is worse. If there is a sale with anything over a 10% discount, I need to stop and count on my fingers again. My thought process goes something like this: "Okay, this is a 20% discount. 20% of 10 is 2. I'm spending $80, so that is eight 10's." I count out 8 fingers, every finger stands for a 2 so I am able to calculate the discount as being $16. This takes a long time to work out and if I am under any pressure at all, I can't do it. My mind also goes blank when I need to make change manually (this was fun when I was a cashier in high school, working on a machine that didn't do the calculations for me). I start to panic because I can't hold it all in my head. And then I start to feel embarrassed by my inability to do something so basic, so simple. I freeze up, then I give up. That has been my whole math experience from second grade until now.

Of course, I ended up marrying someone who thinks in concepts and who can do math. The calculations he can look at and figure out...all those numbers and the letters that stand for an unknown...make my head swim. I've tried explaining how I can't do math, but he responds the way everyone else has responded (no marks against them, they just don't understand) - I didn't have the right teachers. If I had the right teacher, I could do it. I'm not trying hard enough, I just need to buckle down and do it. I'm smart enough to do it, so I should be able to do it (this reminds me of when people look at Anna and say she's too smart to have ASD!). I can't sufficiently explain how there are no pictures in my head for the numbers on the paper. When I look at numbers I don't see anything. It's like this blank empty space in my mind. It's not about being smart enough. It's not about just trying hard enough. It's just about not seeing it, not being able to process the information, not getting it. I never have and I don't think I ever will.

Thankfully this does not bother me too much. I'm able to get by, although a bit painfully sometimes. But I want my daughters to be able to do better. I know that Anna thinks visually and that she relies on pictures in her head too. I will be on the lookout for any indication that she is struggling with math. And now that I have a name for this type of disability (and believe me, not being able to do math is a disability), I can be proactive at getting her the help she may need to overcome it. I'm still watching Megan to see how she does, but she may end up having no problems at all. Maybe she'll be a math whiz like her father - in that case, more power to her. She can be my accountant when she grows up!

Thinking Visually: Part 1

I am a visual/verbal learner who thinks in images. I finally realized this in my mid-20's. At the time it was kind of fun to parse it out - it helped me understand why I have such a hard time with math. I always did like being able to turn language into images. It makes reading really fun. Words are more than ink on a page. They spark reels and reels of moving pictures in my head. And those pictures are associated with more than words, they are also associated with emotions. So the words I hear or read are associated with pictures and feelings. Language is more than black and white to me, more than logic, more than constructing an argument to prove a point is right or wrong. For me language is like its own entity that has the power to hurt or to heal. I know this is not the way everybody thinks. Some people will understand this, others won't.

Usually I feel pretty good about myself and the way I think and process information. Sometimes, however, it's very difficult for me to communicate with people - especially analytical thinkers who demand that I detail my thoughts logically and sequentially. I can't just pluck the pictures and their associated emotions from my mind and hand them over for inspection. I feel flummoxed and skewered by demands for logical thinking and when I can't explain myself satisfactorily, I feel stupid. Although clearly I am not stupid - I would not have graduated from college with honors if I was. I just can't seem to cross that gap between visual/verbal and analytical/sequential thinking enough to communicate with people who think logically (to their satisfaction).

This is becoming a big deal to me lately now that I know Anna thinks and learns visually. She relies heavily at first on memorizing a picture she sees, until she can synthesize it and file it away in her head for later. If she cannot see something either with her physical eyes or in her mind's eye, she gets very anxious. I want to understand as much as I can about visual thinking in general, and Anna's in particular, so that as she grows I can help her as much as possible to find her way. I need to make sure that Anna is given the tools she needs in order to reach her fullest potential. I want to make sure that I am always supportive of her, because I know what it's like to not be able to understand a concept when there is no picture in my head for it, and the guilt and fear associated with that. I may know this better than anyone else who works with her.

I never want either one of my daughters to feel that they are stupid just because they might happen think differently. I want them to be confident enough in themselves to be able to communicate their thoughts and emotions effectively with others. I want them to have their own voices and to feel good about themselves, no matter how they may happen to think and process information - no matter how different they may feel.

Part 2: Math Blindness

Spacing Out (Or, Welcome to Dairy Withdrawal)

I've heard of dairy withdrawal. I've read about it and listened to other parents talk about seeing it in their children. I've seen it in both my children as well. Megan displayed some impressive withdrawal symptoms - she refused dairy alternatives at first and she spent two weeks walking around like she was stoned, it was incredible and a little scary. Anna displayed some withdrawal symptoms too - her irritability and agitation levels were very high for a week after removal of dairy from her diet, but then that improved. I didn't see the same results after removing gluten from their diets, and I didn't experience any withdrawal symptoms after removing gluten from my diet. So I didn't think too much about dairy withdrawal in particular until now.

It's been a little over a week since removing dairy completely from my diet. (It would have been longer but a few days into it, I realized my chocolate stash had dairy in it.) It has not been too bad removing the dairy. I don't miss it that much and I'm not craving it. But I think I've been experiencing dairy withdrawal! (And here is where my husband looks at me like I'm slightly off my rocker.)

Here are the symptoms. For the first few days, I was extremely irritable for no good reason. It was very difficult to concentrate - any little noise was distracting and very annoying. Then during the next few days my irritability improved but I have been totally spacing out. I still can't concentrate but it's not because I can't filter noise, it's because my mind just checks out. Seriously, it's bad. And I don't have a good excuse, like being pregnant. All I've got is dairy withdrawal, and you can imagine the looks I'd get with that excuse.

I've mentioned this weirdness to a few people, who nod their heads knowingly. No, I'm not crazy. Yes, it will get better by week two. And they say now I really know how my girls felt when they went off dairy. I hope this spaciness gets better soon. It's hard to talk to teachers and therapists when my mind keeps going blank!