Fall Garden Growth

We have greens in our garden! DH planted arugula and Swiss chard seeds about 6 weeks ago, and now they are large and happy! He thinned them last week, and instead of tossing the small, tender leaves I sauteed them in olive oil until just wilted and seasoned them with salt and pepper. Boy, were they good! We'll be looking forward to more fresh greens soon.

Our tomato and basil plants bit the dust after the extended heat and dry spell, but our pepper plant survived and is still producing small red and green peppers. It was supposed to be a green pepper plant but about half of the peppers are red now. I don't know why that is, but they taste good!

Here We Go Again

I'm in a funk. Officially and definitely in a funk.

Two weeks ago I met with Megan's kindergarten teacher. Turns out, after describing Megan's "quirks" at home, her teacher is seeing the same thing at school, minus the terrible behavior she saves for when she's home. That's good, and it makes sense that Megan would try hard to please outside of the home and then let loose in a safe, loving environment. It's been a strain on everyone at home, but thankfully she keeps it together at school. I was marveling to a friend how Megan can be so miserable and drag her feet on the way to school but once she goes through the school doors, she can turn it on and nobody suspects she's unhappy. It's a little disturbing. My friend said that it's entirely typical. Kids are very smart, even so young, they get that it's not okay to let your friends see you cry. So she saves the crying for home.

So, typical behavior strikes again! I should not be surprised by it so much, but I am, every time. I just didn't get typical the first time around. My girls are very different.

Megan's teacher suggested I contact the school counselor about my concerns. So I met with the school counselor last week. She asked me to describe what's been going on, and after I did she said she was alarmed enough by what I told her to pull Megan out of class once a week for individual counseling. She just offered it. I didn't have to ask. I left the meeting feeling good that Megan will be getting some help and some attention, and then I promptly descended into depression. I didn't realize that's what it was, initially. I just didn't feel like smiling, or talking to anyone, or tolerating people trying to engage in chit-chat with me. I went to volunteer in the lunchroom at Anna's school and three other people there were trying to be nice to me. It was hard to smile back at them. I didn't have the energy. Unlike Megan, I don't like to turn it on.

Later that day I called a friend who used to work in the public school system to tell her how the meeting with the school counselor went and to ask her what she thought about it. She said the fact that the counselor thought what I told her was serious enough for individual attention means that there is something there that definitely needs to be addressed. I told her that I was pleased about how the meeting went, but I was feeling down and didn't know why. I told her that I really just wanted to cry, which was dumb because I should be happy about the help. She proceeded to tell me that it's because I've started the grieving process. What is happening with Megan is not typical and even though we thought she was typical, we now have to adjust our thinking and our expectations. What was our vision for our completely typical daughter who didn't need help needs to be refined to include our typical with a twist daughter, one who is fabulous and lovely but needs some special extra attention.

I was shocked. Of course, she's right. I just wasn't expecting it. My vision of our family, which included one daughter with Aspergers and one typical who came away scot-free, needs reworking to include Megan's difficulties. Whether that turns out to be ADD or dyslexia or an anxiety disorder we'll have to wait and see. But I can tell you that after DH and I recognized that Megan needs help instead of discipline and adjusted our tactics at home, things have gotten better. My BFF says it's because we are employing new tools at home, and we are managing the behaviors better. I guess that's true, although I thought it was because we acknowledged Megan's distress and gave her feelings a voice. Maybe it's both.

So, here we go again. This time as a "seasoned" parent, I don't think this "grieving process" will take as long or be as severe as the first one. After the neurologist looked at Anna and said "autism", the ride through the subsequent depression and anger was fearsome. This time it won't be as bad, mostly because I don't feel like I need to grieve for such fabulous, smart, perfect daughters. I love them for who they are, all of them, forever. It is only my head that needs an adjustment. I will acknowledge the funk for what it is...necessary, but not long-term. Knowledge is power, and once I get the evaluation report and can take concrete steps to making Megan's little life a little better, I'll be gaining traction, feeling fab and leaving the funk behind. And I'll be working hard to help Megan leave her funk behind, too. So long, grief. I will allow you to stay for a bit, but then you'll need to go - you don't belong here.



Yes, I'm perseverating on music again...this is one song that is inspiring me right now.

Chewy Gooey Ginger Bars

Ah, Prune Butter...there is not enough time to sing its praises. It turned my Chewy Ginger Bars into total fabulousness. Don't get me wrong, they were good before now, but they had eggs in them. Eggs have been out for months now and all my current baking is gluten free and vegan. It's not so bad, really. It gets easier and easier with time, and more fun with each experiment. I promise it does, really!

For these bars I substituted two eggs with both prune butter and flax meal, cut back on the sugar and increased the leavening. I stuck them in the oven and walked away until they started smelling good. Then I turned on the oven light and watched. At first I was totally bummed out by what I was seeing...the bars had risen nice and high and fluffy and then one by one, little sections split, spit out steam, and fell. At the end, when a toothpick finally came out clean, the middle section was sunken and the edges were raised, like brownies but flatter.

When the bars had cooled completely I offered one to DH, thinking to myself that I was glad he accommodates my failures. But guess what? They ended up being great! More than great! They were so good that I had a hard time keeping away from them (and remember, I don't care for sweets too much). The prune butter makes these bars richer, tastier and more toothsome than their predecessor. If I had a choice, I'd choose to keep making these without eggs.

At the end of the day, I don't think it's a bad thing that these bars turned out a little flatter than I wanted them to be initially. I'm not inclined to make any changes to this recipe, it's that good. If you try them, I hope you think so too. These bars keep well on the counter for a day or two and in fact, they taste better the next day. Store leftovers in the refrigerator until they are gone...in our house, they did not last long.

2 cups Sorghum Chickpea Blend
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. xanthan gum
1 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 cup canola oil or coconut oil
1 1/4 cups packed brown sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 cup prune butter
1 tbsp. flax meal in 3 tbsp. very hot water

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 13x9 inch baking pan, set aside.

Stir the flax meal into the 3 tbsp. very hot water and let sit for several minutes to thicken and gel.

In a medium bowl, sift together the flour through the cloves, set aside. In a large bowl, stir together the canola oil or coconut oil together with the brown sugar until smooth. Add the molasses through the flax meal mixture and stir until well blended. Add the flour mixture and beat until smooth, scraping down the sides as necessary (I did all of this with a large spoon, but you can use a Kitchen Aid).

Pour the batter into the prepared baking pan - it will be thick. Spread the batter evenly. Place in the oven and bake about 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool the bars in the pan completely on a wire rack before serving.

Gluten Free, Vegan Bran Muffins

This was the first recipe I tried replacing eggs with prune butter. Holy cow, these muffins came out so good! I'm not into muffins or sweets too much - I make them for my family - but I really enjoyed these. The prune butter keeps the muffins moist and really does add a rich flavor - and the muffins don't taste like prunes at all. I've made gluten free bran muffins before, and this vegan version is my favorite by far.

1 cup rice bran
1 1/2 cups All Purpose Flour Blend
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. xanthan gum
1/2 cup raisins or dried currants
1/2 cup prune butter
1/4 cup canola oil
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 cup rice milk

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Line a muffin tin with baking cups, set aside.

In a large bowl, sift together the rice bran through the xanthan gum. Add the raisins or dried currants and toss to coat. In a separate bowl, stir together the prune butter through the rice milk. Add to the flour mixture all at once and stir until well-combined.

Fill muffin cups 3/4 full. Bake 15 - 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean. Turn muffins onto a wire rack to cool completely before serving.

Prune Butter (Egg Substitute)

It's been busy here lately. Among a myriad of other things, I've been trying to find creative ways to replace eggs in my baked goods. Whereas before I'd use applesauce or mashed banana as egg replacers, I can't do that now with Anna's elimination diet. I've been using a lot of flax and needed a change - flax meal, while good, isn't a great egg substitute for everything.

So while searching for other egg substitutes I ran across this recipe for Prune Syrup which is meant to replace butter. But I thought...why can't it replace the applesauce and banana which are no longer options for me? So I tried it. And it's divine. I've made this prune butter a thicker version of Prune Syrup and it lends a decadent, rich quality to my egg-free baking! Plus, prunes are so healthy and the only way the girls will eat them is if they are hidden in something. So far, so good...my baked goods are coming out awesome and the girls are none the wiser. I love stealth baking!

1/4 cup agave nectar
1/2 lb prunes
1/4 cup water

Soak the prunes in hot water for 20 minutes. Drain. Place agave nectar and prunes in a food processor and process until nearly smooth. With the food processor running, slowly pour in the 1/4 cup water. You may need to scrape the sides and process a bit more to get the mixture smooth and thick. Refrigerate up to one week. Use 1/4 cup prune butter to replace 1 egg.

Gluten Free, Vegan Pie Crust

Thanksgiving is arriving soon. And while Thanksgiving is currently the farthest thing from my mind, other people are thinking about it. Recently a friend asked - how does one make a gluten-free and vegan pie crust? I told her as I'm telling you - it's very easy. This recipe below is adapted from Better Homes and Gardens (I still use their cookbooks on a regular basis, gluten-fee or not).

I have had fairly good luck using a rice and chickpea (High Protein) flour blend. I find that chickpea flour is essential in pie crust for taste and texture (it also makes the dough pliable and easy to work with), but some people really don't care for the taste of chickpea flour...in that case, a simple All Purpose Sorghum Blend will work fine. I do advise against using rice flour without the addition of chickpea flour as chickpea flour moderates the grittiness of rice flour. My best advice is to chill the dough before rolling and don't overwork it. Now get baking!

1 1/4 cups High Protein Flour Blend
1/4 tsp. salt
1/3 cup palm shortening or Earth Balance Dairy Free, Soy Free margarine
1/4 cup cold water
1 tsp. apple cider vinegar

In a large bowl, sift together the flour and the salt. Cut in the shortening or margarine with a pastry blender until the mixture resembles pea-sized meal. Add the cold water and vinegar all at once and stir until the dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl.

Turn the dough out onto a piece of wax paper. Knead two or three times and form into a ball, dusting with a little flour as needed if the dough is too sticky. At this point you can wrap the dough in plastic wrap and chill it in the refrigerator for about an hour before rolling (but you don't have to... I often don't have time for this step so I skip it). Place another piece of wax paper on top of the dough. Flatten the dough with the palm of your hand. Roll the dough with a rolling pin into a 12 inch circle, or about an inch past the edges of your pie plate.

Carefully peel the top layer of wax paper from the dough. Set your pie plate next to the dough. Then with one hand carefully slide your hand under the dough. With your other hand lift the dough and turn it quickly upside down onto the pie plate, centered as best you can, so that the wax paper is on top. You can position the dough slightly, pressing the dough into the pie plate. Carefully peel away the wax paper from the dough. Don't worry if the dough tears, it is easily fixed.

Once the wax paper has been peeled away, finish pressing the dough into the pie plate. Repair any tears with your fingers as needed by pressing the dough together. Most likely the dough will fall away around the sides of the pie plate, at least it does for me as I like a thin crust. This is okay. Just take a knife and finish trimming the crust around the pie plate.

Here is where it gets a little different. You will not be able to roll the edges of the crust underneath itself and in fact, you don't want to as it will be much too thick. Simply press the dough down a bit into the pie plate to make a ridge all around the edges of the pie crust. Flute the edges with the tines of a fork or with your thumb and finger. Bake according to your pie recipe. Makes enough pastry for a single-crust pie. For a double-crust pie, double the ingredients.

Ta-da...gluten free and vegan pie crust...as easy as pie! (Sorry, I could not resist.)

Sauteed Kale

I love kale - really, really love it. Actually, I love most greens...spinach, swiss chard, beet greens, mustard greens...the greener, the better. My tastes have slowly changed over the years from preferring savory over sweet almost all the time. It started when I was pregnant with Anna. I just could not get enough of spinach. Crazy, right? I craved the stuff from morning till night. I'd eat it cold for breakfast. The nurse at the midwife's office was shocked at how high my iron levels were, she said she'd never seen them so high in a pregnant woman before...I think she thought this was good. I was pleased, anyway, and then went home to eat more spinach. Funny that now, Anna loves the stuff too. Veggies and greens are right up her alley. I can't get her to eat kale yet, but maybe someday she'll love it too.

Megan, on the other hand, limits herself to ketchup, vegetable juice, and Bell peppers. Unless they are in a soup, Megan doesn't do veggies. She's been getting a little better about eating sweet potato and butternut squash and she'll even tolerate a little pesto now and then. It's a start.

Speaking of Megan, her whole drama crystallized for us last week. On Friday morning, DH gave her a hug and said "Megan, I need you to be a brave girl and go to school today. Mommy and I know you work really hard, and we know school is hard for you. We are going to get you some help". Megan heaved a big sigh and visibly relaxed in his arms. We were like - wow. She knows. And for now, it's good enough for her to know that we know too. Two weeks and counting until her evaluation.

And so for now, I leave you with this yummy kale recipe. It's really simple but very good. The vinegar might be the most important part of this dish - it makes the kale vibrant. The original recipe by Bobby Flay can be found here.

1 large bunch kale
2 tbsp. olive oil
3 cloves minced garlic
1/3 cup vegetable or chicken broth
salt and pepper
2 tbsp. red wine vinegar

Wash the kale, removing the stems. Tear the leaves into large chunks. Set aside.

Heat the olive oil in a dutch oven over medium heat. Add the garlic and cook for about 30 seconds, stirring constantly, until soft but not brown. Add the stock and the kale. Toss the kale to coat with stock and garlic. Cover and cook for 5 minutes. Remove the cover and continue cooking, stirring, until the stock has evaporated. Turn off the heat. Add the vinegar and toss. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot.

Alarm Bells Ringing

Lately I feel like my head is full of a hive of bees that are all buzzing a warning. Warning! Something is not right! It's been getting louder and louder and now it's all I can think about. My adrenaline is up, I feel stressed out, my patience is short, it's hard to think with all the static in my head. I'm afraid. And yet I've made myself sit tight, waiting. Watching.

It's been many months of observing now, watching Megan go from sweet and happy to miserable. She is angry, frustrated, sad, unhappy. My sweet daughter has been replaced by someone I don't know, someone I don't understand, someone I can't connect to. It's hard to admit this, it feels terrible. But my BFF walked with me through autism...she listened to me for months while I vented, emoted, and obsessed before Anna's diagnosis, during the fallout after the diagnosis, and through the long process of early intervention. I knew she would listen to me again. So I told her how I feel - I don't feel like I know my own daughter, I don't know who she is, I don't feel like there is anything to do to make it better. I miss my Megan. You know what Julie told me? You said exactly those same things about Anna before she was diagnosed. It was the slap in the face that I needed.

I'm done watching and waiting. I may have waited too long...I feel like now we have a crisis at home. But if I had sounded the alarm before now, who would have believed me? All I had were my feelings...something is not right. But my feelings matter...my emotions are the barometer that measures the health of my family. Family life sucks right now, it's been getting worse and this is not normal. What I'm seeing is not autism, but it's not typical either. I've taken months to cross other possibilities off my list...typical 5 year old behavior... low blood sugar... sickness... allergies... reactions to big life transitions like moving and attending a new school. I've crossed them all off the list, I've read books, I've tried several different discipline methods and motivating strategies. Nothing has worked to alleviate Megan's distress.

After all this, you know what I'm left with? A five and a half year old little girl who is angry, frustrated and sad. She does not want to go to school. She says her school work is hard and that her favorite class is gym because she gets to run and doesn't have to do school work. She says she's tired, her tummy hurts...she employs every delay tactic she can think of to postpone going to school. She says she works really hard in school but she's sad because she can't earn a prize for good work or best behavior. She comes home after a long day of trying hard at school and she takes out her unhappiness on her family. She yells, cries, hits, picks fights, and is overly emotional for seemingly small triggers. She has everyone in the family in a tizzy and we are bound by her misery. It's been a slow progression for about a year to get to this point. It started halfway though preschool last year as the curriculum got harder. Now, two months into kindergarten, we have a situation that is not sustainable. Houston, we have a problem, and each day it is getting worse.

Yesterday I picked up the phone to make an appointment with an educational assessment center. I described a little bit of what's been going on, and I wanted to cry...I can't believe this is happening. But it is. The woman on the other end of the line knows...I could hear it in her voice. I told her I'm desperate, this cannot go on, we need some help. Megan has her first appointment in two weeks. Two weeks will be an eternity. I waited too long. Because of family history and other symptoms, such as forgetfulness, spaciness, dreaminess...I believe what we're dealing with is ADD. I don't know how to deal with ADD. Autism, yes. ADD? I have no clue. And that's not good for Megan. I want to help her, but I don't know how. I pray that the psychologist will see what I'm seeing, will hear what Megan is saying, will understand what we are feeling. I'm at the point now where I was right before Anna was diagnosed, desperate... I'm throwing in the towel. We need some help. We need it now.

I Dream of Sleeping

I need some sleep. What, you say? My daughters are 7 and 5 and I'm complaining about the amount of sleep I (don't) get? Yes siree, that's right. I'm tired all the time. I've been tired since my first pregnancy 8 years ago. At first I thought I'd build a sleep bank while pregnant so being up all night with a newborn would not be as horrible but...that didn't work out the way I'd planned. There's something about late-stage pregnancy that's just not sleep-friendly. Then I thought I'd get some sleep after Anna started sleeping through the night...then I revised that to maybe after she stopped teething (and she teethed late!)...but then I got pregnant again. The sleep situation was worse during the second pregnancy than the first, so that was a lot of fun.

After Megan was born I started daydreaming about a good night's sleep after she slept through the night, which was later than Anna started sleeping through the night. But then Anna got the ASD diagnosis and I got insomnia big-time. Eventually I dared to hope that sleep would come after the girls stopped waking up at night with hacking pneumonia...or after they stopped barfing all over the place with parasites. More recently I thought maybe, just maybe life will settle down and I can really start to sleep again after we moved.

I'm still not sleeping well. You can technically call it sleep, but it's not good sleep. I wake up all night long with a headache, grinding my teeth, dreaming about my teeth breaking and falling out of my mouth. I dream about tornadoes chasing me. I dream about being in college and having to take a final exam only to realize horrified that I never went to class or cracked open a book. I dream about wandering the halls in high school, lost in a maze with no idea where I am or how to get out of the endless tunnels full of lockers. I know these dreams mean I'm scared spit-less about something in real life. That I don't feel adequate or up to the challenges I face during the day.

It's Megan I'm worried about now. I think as a mom, one worry will replace another as long as the kids live with us. And after that, I'll worry about them in college, on their own...I'll worry about my parents getting older...I'll worry about retirement. A good night's sleep is a pipe dream, really. A phantom. Sleep is one big fat joke, really, a fantasy. Who really sleeps well, besides babies?

Don't answer that. If you sleep well, more power to you. Send some fairy dust over my way, if you would...I could use some.

Coldplay, Chinese Sleep Chant (lyrics found here)

Fall asleep
I need
to sleep satisfied
sleep satisfied

Fall sleep
I need
to sleep satisfied
sleep satisfied

sleep
sleep
sleep

sleep
sleep
sleep satisfied
sleep satisfied

fall asleep
fall asleep
sleep mystifies
sleep mystifies

fall asleep
fall asleep
sleep satisfied
sleep satisfied

sleep
sleep
sleep

sleep
sleep
sleep satisfied
sleep satisfied

Dairy Free, Soy Free Coconut "Sour Cream"

As a sour cream substitute, Avocado Cream is really very good. But avocados have been sub-par at the grocery stores lately, Whole Foods included, so I cannot make mock sour cream for any of my favorite foods, which include quesadillas and black bean soup. I keep looking for a dairy free, soy free and nut free sour cream alternative at the stores, but so far nobody has ponied up on that front.

So I took a gander at these recipes and bought a large container of So Delicious Plain Coconut Milk Yogurt and mixed it with a tablespoon of lemon juice (although I think plain white vinegar would work here too). I placed a fine sieve over a medium sized bowl, lined the sieve with 4 layers of cheesecloth, and poured the yogurt on top of the cheesecloth. I let the yogurt drain for 2 days in the refrigerator. There was 1/2 cup liquid in the bowl and I was able to scrape about 1/2 cup of fairly thick "sour cream" off of the cheesecloth.

So how does this "sour cream" taste? It's a little delicate tasting, not as robust as the dairy version. But I like it. It's another option, anyway, when Avocado Cream just won't do. And it was good in my black bean soup.

(Shae's Black Bean Soup with Coconut "Sour Cream")

Dirt Cake

This cake is a hit with kids and adults alike. I always get the best comments when I bring this dessert to a party, usually centered around the flower in the cake and the worms sticking their heads up out of the "dirt". It's a great way to use a "failed" cake - if you have one that craters or is delicate and breaks apart, just turn it into Dirt Cake. It may not be the cake you originally envisioned, but it will be a crowd-pleaser all the same!

1 recipe prepared Chocolate Pudding
1 recipe prepared Chocolate Cake or cupcakes
1 small plastic flower pot or serving bowl
1 small plastic flower
1 package Yummy Earth Gummy Worms


Wash and dry flower pot. Line with Saran Wrap.

With your hands, crumble the chocolate cake into small chunks. Place 1/3 of the crumbled cake into the bottom of the flower pot. Toss in a few gummy worms and layer 1/3 of the pudding over top. Repeat the cake, gummy worms and pudding layers, ending with a cake layer.

Wash the stem of the plastic flower and insert the flower into the cake. Use pudding if necessary to help "shore up" the flower stem. Lay a few gummy worms on top of the cake. You can add green sprinkles for "grass" if desired.

*If you want to be sneaky and make this healthier, layer in some fruit (strawberries, raspberries or sliced bananas) underneath the pudding.